الخميس، ديسمبر 28، 2006

2 years and more..

Looks long time passed since I last blabbered aimlessly..

You know when I started this place, it was mainly for addressing void for someone might pass by and listen. Now its someone(s) and can’t hide, that’s mainly why I think of quitting every once or a while. After all, was never a fan of exposing myself, though I don’t say much still.
Quit, not quit.. quit.. not quit… open comments.. close comments… delete posts… not publish, save as draft!
You know once I opened an anonymous blog and the weird thing, the same people I used to comment to, when I changed my name, treated me differently!
Seriously, that cyber world doesn’t give us much of authenticated trust to count on.

Now I deleted the anonymous blog, and confined me to this little corner of mine for 2 years.. yeah.. today I celebrate passing 2 years. Is it really celebrations? I don’t really know whether I should be happy, satisfied, depressed or whatever.. Days, months weeks and years all pass this way and nothing seems to be certain; nothing appears to have the same identity from 2 different perspectives..

Me here something, me in real world another thing. Here laughing wise creature, free in lots of ways. There I’m controlled in a sucking manner. Controlled by stupid routine and naïve traditions.
2 identities.. quite a problem to live with night and day. Inside you are someone, and outside you are another. And here you got your fans, and there you got your another.
Tell me, Which one you choose if you like both..?

Love is not always between man and women. And that’s what I call for always. Love can take many formats, like loving yourself and loving your things. Addiction is yet a new form of love. Abusing form. Harmful one.
And when love turns into a habit, That's the dangerous verge of all.

You say “good morning” not because you mean it, not because you are really deeply wishing someone a good morning, but because you're costumed to say it in the morning for each and every passer by. It’s a habit, then it loses its meaning..

Love turns into a habit, love losses its meaning.

Should I always remind myself of the intentions? And what if I don’t have intensions? What if I love because I want to love. I wish to love and eager to?

2 years.. What had I learnt?
Confronting myself if the strongest weapon to surrender yourself to yourself. To tame it in your way. Sound insane if its you to you, but its true. Seeking Your YOU..

Do I sound contradicting myself? Do I really have to confront me that way?!
Why did I stick to blogging that much? Why did I turn the love of it, into a boring habit?!

2 years passed and each time I ask the above questions, my answers seem changing as the drift of time. At 1st I was content with comments rushing in by…. 5.. then 10.. 20… 40..
May be I’ve reached fame others are looking for and might be I liked it, that made me peruse the task and blog consistently every day may be.
It takes a lot more than your time to do it. It takes part of yourself each time you think of confronting you to you… and the hard thing of all, not just exposing yourself to the other, nor esposing yourself to you.. but remembering the every fine detail you record, keeping them infront of your eyes engraved to pass on by every time you decide to click dwelling unto the past!

Do I sound depressed? how many times I asked myself that question every since I started blogging! did blogging really turned me into a gloomy person, living a place of my own?!

Its winter people, and not in my mood, and wrote more than 3 pages.. and La comparsita playing at the background. I don’t like such deep questions at night that leave me ages thinking, why did it or why did not. Whom to ask and whom not! Then dramatically I click… publish! And know that not just that someone I wished to listen when I 1st opened the blog, but those someone(s) I grand them the chance to dig down and take a closer look..

Is it love into a habit now, or love to hurt oneself.. or waiting for a share.. or thinking I give humanity the ultimate pleasure to reading the memories of an unknown celebrity?

I need a break, and think not.
I need to get away, and afraid to appear a coward.
I need to quit, but me feels no.. can’t really stop..

However, last but not least, no matter what you’ve read above.. let me say it loud and clear..
Happy anniversary dear blog :)
And let those Questions left in peace for a while to rest...

PS: Happy birthday dear brother as well ;)

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