الاثنين، ديسمبر 04، 2006

The “I don’t know” syndrome

It needs one time you say something, and discover later it was wrong; the 2nd time you’ll find people looking at you a look you HATE! So you’ll shake and tremble the 3rd time, and end up a person who “doesn’t know”..

Look, today I spent the 1st and 2nd lectures with Dr. E. it is ok having him. In fact, I respect him fully. A man of manners, unique mentality.. American style shewaya, due his living abroad for long time.. however, he drives me sick by his way of sticking to rules!
Rules might Not be made to be broken, however, life will seem dull if you ever live that punctual. Plus, his way of dealing with people that makes you feel you are nothing compared, though you know he means no offense…. The sad thing, its true..

Nonetheless, I couldn’t –only- follow up with him till the end of the 2 lectures, BUT, I had to attend a meeting with him AGAIN, because he is the supervisor dr. on my graduation project ..
Funny, huh?!
If I were the “Super Bluelue”.. what powers I ask for myself, and whom I’d fight?
2 years ago, when Osama discussed a similar issue on Z-Tok, I phoned in to say: “I wish to have “people’s love” as my power”.. now I don’t think I will..
The answer looks silly a little. I can give u all life’s charms, but you won’t be loved by people still. Not like giving you money, then you’ll be immediately rich. As, giving you knowledge, however you are not that smart still.. soo… no, if I am in the position to ask for something won’t be people’s love!
Won’t be money as well (fake dream), won’t be power (evil).. won’t be beauty (you know my concept), won’t be knowledge (I can gain it myself), not being humble (no one is known for him/her beaing humble 8full stop*, its something and humble) and not being popular either (hate me when I’m at the focus)!
So what will I ever choose.. I don’t know..

Let me think the other way round. Whom I’d fight 1st?!
My self, I hate those ignorant people who think themselves something while they are nothing AT ALL. Those who brag about their shallow minds, and think they are the center of the universe.. while no one is!

Today, when dr. E. asked us to introduce ourselves, I forgot my name..
That never happened to me before. I am good..
I can make it..
A good girl I am..
Yes, yes.. I am..

But apparently sometimes I am not.. sometimes I need time to warm up and gain myself confidence again…
Hated myself awi after it, and kept talking to Bavalova that I can’t make it with this dr. I know him hard and I can hardly pass any of his questions :S .. she was excellent help as usual… “no, no… we passed harder times” she kept reminding me…
And yes we did!
So me, yes.. I wish to affect people. My permanent wish. To leave a mark hinting for me ever after. Man’s ever dream: immortality. Not in the physical sense, but to be recognized for a longer term period for something useful.
Know myself 1st, knowing the right place the right time, then giving as much as I can..

Ah! But how can me when I am into the “I don’t know” phase.

I am not afraid of anything in particular as much as those few moments I say or react as “I don’t know”, not because I really don’t know.. but afraid to say it then regret… or say it incorrectly.. or say it thru a missing link…

I want my super powers to “help people get out the best of them, to discover how beautiful species they are”.. and most importantly, to help me fetch all that within me, at times I need it the most… so I won’t have the “I don’t know” syndrome any more..

ليست هناك تعليقات: