You know when you have a tape playing, then suddenly it goes off.. you know the 1st min of silence that precedes your discovery? .. always the 1st minute of silence different, unlike the rest.. you feel there is something.. do you feel then?.. no I don’t.. its like.. in a second everything is taken but can’t recognize anything yet.. till.. till my ears captures the moment and finds out.. the tape is off.. and silence surrounding me now..
I don’t usually fear the dark.. and I don’t fear silence neither.. in fact almost all the time I enjoy both.. tranquility that is.. calmness all around.. stillness of the dark, only me thinking.. only me hearing the spinning of that weary head…
I only fear the dark and silence if and only if, for a second I felt no feeling at all..
You know that state?
You try thinking, and you fail… I like to stop thinking for sometime… enjoy it very.. yet at night when I am there sitting all by myself and even myself is not there to share, I feel me different.. I feel me strange..
Did you ever live to feel you don’t know yourself? I mean not for long, I mean a second flashes and you feel… by God’s sake what is going on here?!.. hmm.. naa.. not that.. no.. its I don’t know..
Today I had a heavy heart for no reason.. yes.. no reason at all, though I got every possible and impossible reason to be happy. And I am happy.. I am happy true.. but like its been captivated inside a box and other stuff suddenly floated on surface.. what other stuff?.. they didn’t show me their faces yet..
Strange me tonight.. playing one and only song, over and over, and over then over…
I didn’t talk properly to Bava today. I didn’t give her a damn care.. if I was in her place, I’d get hurt…
Its like, me finding new pleasure somewhere else, so I’m forgetting the previous… used to hate that in MI.. I even told her.. and she was like wondering “did i? sorry for that.. you know I don’t mean”.. and yes she doesn’t mean, exactly like how I reacted today.. but if I was her I’d get hurt.. my friend is not here for me..
Why do I do something I know it will hurt me or others with me mints later..?
Now I don’t know anything.. I’m not sure of anything.. except one… I’m feeling nothing, yet with a heavy heart still..