الجمعة، أكتوبر 14، 2005

Random bits and pieces..

I had to visit my uncle, and returned very late at night. Its hard to see my uncle this way, mm.. your heart will grief his whole situation. However, the only one thing I never imaged is the changes I saw in my cousin’s attitude. Somehow he turned into a religious person I never knew before *masha2 ALLAH* .. suddenly he gave up his nasty routine and turned to face God with grief of what he did all his life, fear of what to become of him in the future and a hope to have God’s help and mercy to move on forward. You can’t imagine this serenity I can feel from his tone of voice.. just like miracles really do come true and not just for Ramadan..

Returned back home, to be told by a friend that he un-expectedly discovered my blog, in one of these weirdest coincidences you might think of. With little talks about our latest he told me: last time we talked you were confused, now I touched some changes in you. I got that through your words on the blog..!

Totally exhausted, hardly could I close my eyes to sleep.. so long I’ve hadn’t had this intimate sit with myself.. just me, myself and I.. so long I miss talking to myself, but things are always in rush..
Sometimes you feel yourself stuck in a life jam.. you are looking around to find you are surrounded with hundreds of other-selves standing around you in random separated lines and curves, however, you feel you are alone in a wide desert watching sun setting on you, half sleepy half awake.. believe you understand what is going on, while in fact you are the most ignorant creature you might ever meet in your short life!

Sadly, I couldn’t enjoy the moment of self talking.. I closed my eyes…

Wake up still feeling exhausted.. but I had to get dressed and catch the 1st session in our new training about Human resources management.
How so ironical! Didn’t I tell you: we know nothing about ourselves thought we pretend we do ?!
I am taking off my stuff and things heading for a place to try to understand myself!
As if myself is a total stranger than whom I am and so I need a hand to dig deeper and discover treasures, I might die and still they’d be kept hidden unknown.. un-realized.. un-used..

The trainer said few outlines as an intro for our next session and the strategy we are going to walk by. I like the material going to be discussed *in sha2 ALLAH* mind mapping, NLP, analyzing characteristic traits.. he even did a simple experiment on one of the other members.. it was a shock for some of us!

Strangely, I felt I can understand this man.. he said he has strong telepathy.. but I say no.. he has strong sense of observation and prediction to the other response due his many experience. Yet, something inside me insets to refuse fully truth that person.

As soon as he finished, I ran out of the building. Somehow I don’t like standing with the folk. I like them .. some even I like alot.. however I felt I need to breath fresh air for a while.. so hard to feel suffocating in every place you go.. so hard to find the comfort with anything away from people’s existence in your horizon.
NOP, its not complex, I reckon.. and its not missing my confidence either.

I’ve been asked more than once.. “why do U like hiding away?”
And still and for always I find no answers available.. so without any bye byes I left..

Luckily, As I reached the station I found the CTA standing for me *please stop the envy green eyes :P :P*
On my way back I was thinking of my coming days.. how could I ever benefit my life?!
How to be productive wither for my own self or my nation or religion?!
I’ve tapped different routs in life. Not so many, but quite enough for a 20 years old girl. I imagined I saw myself at the end of some, and imagined I got astray in the rest.. yet after one wake up and one eyes closed.. I get lost between both.
Am I as good as I think?! Am I as talented as others repeat?! Or am I as simple as I am living?! And till where will I reach with my daily changes?!
And why don’t I find answers to the questions I have in mind?! Is it that difficult to watch a light hinting at the right way, or should I just walk in others’ shadows footsteps?!

Being effective is a difficult process to take, and even the more difficult is deciding which way you want to be effective and recognized in!!
Will I ever find mine?!

As I retuned to open the front door of my home, I couldn’t help but sleeping.. it wasn’t actually a sleep, but rather a nap or a state between being wide awake and asleep.. a state you got mixed up between reality and virtual hallucinations. I could see myself walking somewhere, and I could feel my feet paralyzed standing still, fixed to the ground.. I could hear my loud yelling and could feel how mute I turned out to be..

Am I sad or desperate or feeling low today?!
Actually no, I don’t think I was any of the above.. in fact I was happy.. happy again and for no proper reason. The same sort of happiness I feel each time I know I am going to go through an expedition to the unknown. And so I was happy, even till this moment when I am writing this few lines and listening to some few light melodies from my new age music collection, I still feel happy and relaxed though!
Could be I’d finish up my work today to wake up tomorrow as gloomy as I usually feel, and could be I’d wake up tomorrow still as happy as I am feeling now.

Going there is a true adventure I like doing from time to time. And even running away is yet another adventure I like living. Convincing myself that some how some might be asking .. :)

It was like watching my very own life raft floating away towards the open sea. And yet somewhere in mind's eye I thought I could see the faintest outline of land. Then it came to me that maybe that's the only thing life rafts are supposed to do. Taking the shipwrecked, not exactly to the land, but only in view of the land. The final mile being theirs alone to swim.
~*~ Anon

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
~*~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

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