الجمعة، فبراير 23، 2007

Dust to dust..

These weeks I’m passing by the hardest experiences; my 1st times too. I feel quite embarrassed doing what I do, and feels a bit more like being awkward. Like, imagine a girl living in a nutshell, yet next morning she was thrown to live life for real, forced to walk in the streets, work on her own, deal with people. I reckon, she’d feel like people are gazing at her while its normal and may none recognize her in the 1st place, but she’s simply not used to it.

Well, you might not understand. And the fault is all mine. I don’t know how to elaborate. I don’t know how to tell exactly what I’m feeling now. Confused. Out of mind sometimes. Yesterday I needed to disappear after what I told mum in front of Bava and mai. I mean, no I didn’t offend anybody, yet the fact that out of nothing I said exactly what I feel and trying to hide. In fact, trying to make myself believe while I don’t know that I don’t. But your heart sometimes takes chances to speak on your behave without a prior notice. Bava looked more considerate than me. Ok, I admit it. I’m not good at dealing with the other. We are humans, but its not all what makes our identity. Tell me what is our identity? How can I separate you as a human than you as being a male or female, nationality, religion, living status, education, even your preceding reputation? It’s all about you and me. We, all of us, are not merely abstracts hiding behind a vague 2 words called “human beings”, and not simply a soul, flesh and blood. But a combination of all the previous together making what really makes you you, and me me.

I didn’t understand it before, and can’t even now. How can 2 people confront each other claiming each is on the right side, and none gives a damn care to think for a second why the 2nd can’t be right too? And why can’t I understand that fact too, how can I write here preaching while I am too proud to believe the other might be right too!!
The feeling itself is suffocating even if I know before hand all the above with the tiny details.
And what made me even belittle me in front of me that other day, the look I saw in Bava’s eyes. How can I speak bluntly that way?!
There are always things that should be buried unspoken. They might not hurt anybody, but would show a part of your identity that may be others might not get it right, because you didn’t put it right, or your heart spoke too open, or the thought is not readily acceptable amongst the rest.

Why do we live behind closed doors all the route, though the route itself holds enough surprises the doors can’t help in?…

I might be exaggerating if you knew the whole thing. And yeah true.. but the idea itself that triggered me to talk this way. I’m in bad need to talk with someone who’d understand me when I tell that I’m not an angle, but I don’t want to turn into a devil. I can’t be the other, but I need to have more .. hmm.. I don’t know.. but have more consideration.. or no.. let me put it right this way.. to have better ability to act normally and really mean it.

Hatred always burns the one who have it..
Though its not hatred now.. but God please.. I wish not to turn so someday..

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