You are loved..

Probably the best Song I've heard since long..

A call for help..

Last night before going to sleep I made a decision to “get myself out of it”. Today came in and I couldn’t pull me out. In fact, I did more mistakes engaging me more into. I forgot all about Dee & Nesrina’s advices.. grrrrr… I always forget and act at my worst when I stop my brain from working!..
God! I did today not just one mistake but twice… and so.. its going to get worst I think… unless I acted steady and fast…
What you think I can do?????
Now… I really really want to pull myself from the whole thing… wipe all the written pages.. and just act in the way I’m adapted to for long!
God…. Grand me wisdom, inner will… and HELP!

PS: Dee I got away from one of the things you mentioned.. the 2nd… NOT YET!.. (my 1st mistake for tonight)

حديثه لى

وقال لى صديقى الفيلسوف ذات ليلة ليلاء..

"اسمع ياصاحبى.. فى زماننا دا لازم تتعود على الإكتفاء الذاتى. يعنى لو فى يوم اشتقت تضحك.. بحلق فى أقرب مرايا وإضحك على منظرك براحتك. ولو حبيت تبكى.. بحلق فى نفس المرايا وابكى على حالك مع نفسك.
ولو فى مرة كان نفسك تحب أو تتحب.. إنزل لأقرب محل شيك، وإشترى بوكيه ورد أحمر، وكرت، وعلبة شوكولاتة.. وانت راجع انساهم قدام باب بيتكم.. تانى يوم الصبح تتفاجئ، وإبدأ بحثك عن العاشق المجهول!..
ولو فى ليلة احتجت صديق ومالقتشى.. ماتدورشى.. إقعد زى ما إنت قاعد كدة.. وإمسك ورقة وقلم وإنقشنى قدامك، بكلمك بأفكارك.. وإعمل نفسك مش واخد بالك.. قال يعنى كان مرة لك صاحب.. وقال ايه.. كان كمان فيلسوف.."

Deja vu

You know déjà vu, right? I mean, you should be knowing it.. till now, haven’t met a single somebody who didn’t live a déjà vu even once per life time… its like something common between most of us..
And actually, there are quite few theories about the phenomena. However, the one that really stuck me in the head is that we’ve all witnessed our lives before, not in the sense of reincarnation or those Buddhist philosophies.. but rather when we were younger Or probably before existing in the 1st place. And just after watching the whole thing, only fragments of memories lingered upon our un-conscious mind, so that when we already live that, we un-consciously remember! You might disagree with me.. you got all the right to take it or leave it.. but I do strongly believe in that. Sometimes, not just déjà vu times, I feel as if.. ok.. I know what will happen. Not in detailed order. Not even in sequence.. just as if it’s a vague vision for something far away.. and it happens.

Surprisingly, these days I am experiencing a lot of déjà vu. I know what will happen. I know what will the one in front of me say. I know my feelings clear.. oooh! And the stupidest of all.. a vision.. a one and only detailed vision I have this time. For the exact location I am in, the exact person.. GOSH! the exact position I take… the exact dim light.. the exact look on the face.. the exact words I’m listening to.. the exact dress.. the exact feeling I never knew before… Com’n! I am going crazy whenever I see the whole thing in front of my eyes as if it is happening at the NOW!..

So, If you believe what I believe in, do you think this vision is killing me apart as vivid as I see it , because it will most probably happen?!
I know its one stupid question to ask.. ALLAH only knows what will happen.. but I can’t stop myself.. I tried.. but.. the vision keeps visiting me all the time every day.. and everywhere..

yeah.. what's the hell..

Boosting my ego.. I want to boost my ego as fast as possible… tell me.. What’s the hell if I didn’t start studying ever since the start of this term? And the hell with graduation project I can get in NADA?!.. or the hell with the stupid reflex I have for whatever triggers me to the zone I fear the most?.. or the hell with being broke till the end of the month? What’s the hell with busy days you can’t have space for you to you, even reading a single book?.. or the hell with lecturers who get on my nerves?.. or the hell with mother’s report that doesn’t want to end?.. or the hell with people waiting for a single little mistake to turn your life as hell?.. or the hell with living "good byes" every single min. of the day?.. or tell me.. What’s the hell with waiting for something that never shows up.. and when it does.. it fades away like a comet lost its way to your skies..

Yeah.. whats the hell with days starting the same and ending as the very expected… no output.. no relief.. no comfort.. no satisfaction..

Yet above all tell me.. In my condition.. what’s really heaven or hell?



PS: one bright thing! I discovered I'm not totally broke.. as I forgot to take my money already!

كل سمسمية وانتم طيبين

مولانا صلى وسلم دائما ابدا.. على حبيبك خير الخلق كلهم
فمبلغ العلم فيه أنه بشر .. وأنه خير خلق الله كلهم


بى إس: لا أعرف اسم النشيد، ولا المنشد، ولا الكلمات.. لكنها مؤثرة لدرجة أعجز عن وصفها

After Midnight's Talk..

It was dark by the time I started the walk. I looked up to the skies.. the moon was up there, looking upon me too. Kept on looking, till it was covered by aimless clouds..

Today, I went to a photographer with Bava. You know, supposedly we are into the process of “year books” and “goodbyes” in college. Everyone is getting ready for the leave. T-shirt designs, comments on colleges, TA’s and lecturers. Its all but matter of days no matter how long..
I hate goodbyes, I always do.. always make me feel as if it’s the end of world jumped up too soon. Goodbye places, goodbye people, goodbye memories… memories good and bad forever will leave me heart broken.. sweet memories leaving, bitter ones living.. and others missed..

I was talking to myself while walking. And for no reason didn’t care for people gazing at the weird girl talking alone in English. Wasn’t in a mental state to think what is proper and what is not. It wasn’t another heavy-air night, but a heavy hearted though. And for a second I thought.. no.. I wished to talk and talk and talk and talk.. empty an ocean of words with ears listening, and open heart understanding.. feeling comfy in a way I never knew before.. but there… was the beeb of a car, and a bus stop..

As I went down from the bus, the moon was already gone. Wasn’t really gone, but was somewhere behind me that I couldn’t follow anymore. So, I looked down at the street bricks and bends, observing my shadow disappearing and appearing, then appearing and disappearing..
We really live in a world of shadows. And the one shadow I wished to see, the constant and perpetual moon shadow, was over taken by artificial street lambs, as if.. we really like living artificial lives in the dark.. masks covering faces, decorations in talking, beating around the bushes, going back and forth in thoughts without a direct link of confessions. Sometimes, I feel the world is too evil to live in.. no.. not evil.. but wicked enough to hate..

The phone ringed, and it was my father speaking from the hospital checking on us. Would I tell you a secret you might not know? I felt pity for my father being there. Not as a human, but this time as my "Papa". Quite disappointing or a little of confusing to you I guess, but ya, let me confess it now, I never felt me in strong connection with him ever since he started to show the other dominating face. I don’t blame him for much now.. I could have taken time to change the core of his attitude of dry emotions I feel inside, but… naa.. no buts… I didn’t have the guts to challenge me to change, when running away was usually my 1st solution…
But today I missed his voice the soonest he left the house in the morning, I would've never believed myself if I said something as such before; except today, after knowing that he’ll most probably have “open heart” operation soon. For another second I thought, what if he’s there no more.. will I ever…??
And I couldn’t complete the words.. it was raining on me…

Today was ACES closing by the way. And of all times of the 3 times I missed, this one was the one I really wished to attend. Lol. I can remember the day before the moderator’s selection, my heart was dead sure I will pass isA. However, I forgot the everything and spent the whole night acting as if I am at the closing ceremony, standing on stage, delivering my final message.. My wildest dreams… hmm… let me tell... to affect people, touch their souls, help them be the one they want to.. leaving my.. my thoughts, my words, my acts and deeds engraved inside them forever.. but forever never shows a kind face to me...

Tell me something.. which one is better, to enjoy something for sometime before its taken from you, or never to know about it in the 1st place?
You know, sometimes, I miss pronouncing the word “Teta”. I’ve never seen one grandparent of mine or even a single aunt, they were all gone before seeing their faces, even the single grandpa I knew, we met for the 1st 3 and a half years in my life before he was gone as well. I can still remember his harsh beard touching my chicks, and vague visions of a bed in my uncle’s flat, a “3okaz” he used to walk with and angelic face I can trace only in pictures..
What if I had anyone of these loved ones now? Will I ever feel the pampering I hear about from friends? I’d go and give my grandpa a warm hug, probably talk with him as frankly as I ever wish to? Or will I cry in my grandma’s lap while she’s playing in my hair, hush me to bed when I am trembling inside, like now?
Do hearing about un-lived stories better, or living un-finished open ended ones?!
And the road came to an end..

When the rain stopped, I caught me humming the line “wa tomo7i an amshy sa3aten ma3ak, ta7ta el matar” nearly all the way.. though it wasn’t really raining, but at least few refreshing drops..
As I was entering my building block, I looked up to the skies again.. the moon was clearer then.. I sent a dear goodbye.. and that was it..

This post's song: Killing me softly - Roberta Flack