...

Hello darkness, my old friend,

I’ve come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,

Wake up today as tired as I can be to discover I didn’t bother to set the alarm clock last night. And since I was in a state between wide awake and falling sleep I opened my eyes.. it was already 6:30 AM while I should have been in the street by then!

Wearing the 1st thing my hand found then running down hypnotized or rather blinded by one thought in mind.. Stopping a taxi
-- “ where you want to go miss..?”
-- “ huh!”
If I could tell him go anywhere.. just keep going non stop… take me on a magical carpet or a roaring vehicle racing winds!

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence.

As if a movie, dwelling into preserved memories in flash lights.
:: I asked “M” and she said “it is OK.. you won’t harm”
Confused between yes or no; I choose it YES. Then turned 1st to be harmed was me!
Thunder stucking into shattered pieces..

Sitting in the last desk at the lecture with people’s wonders: “what’s wrong!?”
If they’d back off, or I’d vanish!

“I hate it ALLLL…… “ so I wrote my MSN nickname for today, after Closing my room’s door behind firmly.
Playing my melodies loudly, I am on my way returning to my seclusion.
Starting from today I’ll return to “on my own” where I’ve always been and always lived..

***********************************

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

’neath the halo of a street lamp,

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve ever knew so far. Wasn’t physically but rather mentally and emotionally as well. The problem wasn’t in studying, thought I didn’t; though knowing midterms are hurrying forward! More or less that is not the problem unless you meet your stumbling blocks. Puzzles, riddles and significant codes unable to figure out. You try to focus but each time you fall down!
You find yourself surprisingly surrounded with the emptiness haunted your inside and paralyzed your soul.
If I can sit and think!!

And the sign flashed out it’s warning,

In the words that it was forming.

I sat down before I slept with fighting conflicts in my head.
1:50 AM I feel I need to scream till I’d lose my breath. Scream then hide to a place no one can find! Turning on my lamplight on desk, holding my pen and started to write a flood of letters, words and numbers; sinking between them clueless..
Tell me what to do.. tell me what to say or how to act!
And why I feel so small in front of myself!
I’ve neither been in such situation nor expected the day might come. Back to my pen I started to draw aimless lines.. lines then curves.. curves then circles.. circles then tears reached the threshold and suddenly burst.

Do I pity myself
No I don’t, I hate it though,, I loath it even, if I’d admit..

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence.

“mother would you help..”
already 3:00 am and no one around, no one to help and no one I’d think to count on..
floating between 2 extremes, floating to the wilderness as naked as I might be.. Bare footed and starving to death..
am I..?
am I not..?

Fools said i,you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows.

and under the faint light beside me I gazed at what I saw on desk
I’ll return it back.. no I won’t.. yes I will.. no I don’t..
So horrible when you hate what you want and can’t get to what you have to..
Eternal problems crawling back.. Sneaking with evil looks.. wishing to fly with broken wings..

“Message encrypted. No look backs to make it easier” was my clue..
yet I can’t stop looking back nor thinking of the future..
future?!
Had I stated a different tense?!
When you feel the ticking of the clock turning heavy and think your existence unbearable burden; you’ll know the moments passing to cross out future and eliminate the present.
Am I..?
No I am not!!

I was never weak before. My mother;s words echoed in my head: “I didn’t give birth to a withdrawer”.. Never begged a person in a life time.. not even begged myself..

4:45 AM. dawn prayers were calling when tears found its rest.
Turning off the light, pushing away the pen and papers..

So hard to be stabbed at the back but harder to be slapped at the face with… your own hands..

Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you.

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoedIn the wells of silence (#)



(#) sound of silence – Simon & Garfunkel

They said

"There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today."

- Mignon McLaughlin (1915~) American Author, Editor

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.1
Mind:	7
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	2.7
Love:	2.9
Finance:	4.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success. (Read more on improving your life)

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the mind.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the body.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is relatively high, which means you are rewarded by your beliefs. Spirituality is clearly important to do. Never let it slip, and continue to learn and grow. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the spirit.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. You scored at the very low end for friends and family. This means that your social network is weak and not functioning. Consider re-establishing old bonds as you work on forging new ones. You will be greatly rewarded in return. Try using MeetUp.com to find people near you who share your interests.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope. Read advice from other quiz-takers on finding and maintaining love.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your financial score indicates some trouble. Raise your score over time by making changes which will lead to greater prosperity in the future. Be sure to live within your means today. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving your finances.

Collecting stars

Thru a window

This morning, I looked thru the window for some moments, thinking.

"It’s been 4 days now I haven’t blogged. Is it that important in my life to count the days I haven’t written anything? Or is it sort of longing to feel belonging for something?!"
Sometimes I believe that all what I read or write on blogs are pure nonsense. What would I ever gain if I read others’ opinion about what-so-ever?! I mean, I could read an article in a newspaper or listen to analysis for a current situation on radio for example or any multimedia. I could even just click on CNN.com or BBCworld.com or DW-world.de … just name it. Its only one click away, yet I prefer blogs!!

Other times I ask myself “what do others find so amusing in what I write, to the extend I’d be emailed if I was away for sometime?” Let alone the pouring questions from friends: “did you quit blogging?”
“no I didn’t.. but I don’t find something interesting to talk about though.”

Almost each time before I post something new, I have to read out-loud things and listen as if its for anyone but me. And after each time I hate what I write more and more. Some times it ends up deleting it, or rather posting but with gestures of dis-satisfaction. Not because I don’t like what I talk about, NEVER. But simply because I don’t see any sort of entertainment or significant importance. Just talks in the air, and I hate that!

When I was young, I wished to become a radio presenter. And still dreaming a far-fetched dream. As days went by I realized my dream is not truly to become a presenter but rather to touch people so deep, to get to interact with zillions of them to know how to be effective. So it’s a matter of being effective or not, of being important or not, of getting to the core of things or dancing on the surface. And so I dreamt to become a writer someday.
“Did I say a writer?”
Being a writer, then returning to the starting point. To write again and again; simply talks in the air!

-- “and when I die, who’d remember me?!”
-- “you’d be remembered by your kids and their kids after”
-- “but that’s not enough. All people are remembered by their kids and their kids after and one day they are forgot! Is it why we are here for?!”
--“that’s how life goes on” they said.

Friends thought I got nuts already. Asking things that are our lives’ ABCs!!
Then reply me: “if its life ABCs then why do we live hide-and-seek daily between answers and question marks???”

I don’t mind having un-answered questions in mind, provided believing I will ran into the answers someday or provided I won’t be mocked..
And may be the 2nd is why I prefer blogging so far ..

Trying to enjoy..

What a relief! Five days for a vacation :)

Ramadan is almost over, and the Lesser Barium is knocking the doors. My memories for the Eid or the feast are all so pleasant *apart from breaking my arms at one 1st eid’s morning* . I always play with the balloons like kids singing out loud “el eid far7a, w agmal far7a, yegma3 shaml areeb w b3eed.. heh heh heeeeeeeeh”
I spend 1st day with my relatives to my father, collecting “el 3edya” or the money the elder gift the younger as a sort of spreading love among all the family members *Hehe*. I save my little cherished money and give myself a treat at the end of the day. Mostly a large bar of chocolate with fruits *my favorite of all*. Mm.. 2nd day is spent with my relatives to my mother, which is even hell better and more fun.. Laughter and jokes flirt all around the place.
3rd day I mostly spend it home; sometimes I go out with friends, or even go alone to the club and buy myself a new book with the little 3edeya left ;) ;) ! ..

however, this year doesn't seem as fun as always! Due many reasons, mostly important : how sick my uncle turned out to be; Secondly for the pouring reports I am left to do plus the midterms that are about to destroy the little neural cells I have in my poor brain!!!!

See, my mother brought me a packet of “Bomb” *or some sort of explosives that make a strong sounds with fireworks; kids play with in Eid*. She fully understands how I am left as a kid inside. No wonder if I found her bringing me some balloons 1st Eid’s morning. For she always does :)

************

Yesterday: Unlike your expectations I didn’t blog. I don’t know why not, thought I had lots to say, but silence has been chosen.
Today’s confession: I am not that strong as you think I am.

*******

mm.. walking today at 6:30 a.m. in the streets, while everybody still sleeping; filled me with a new feeling. Breathing the 1st morning’s fresh air made me believe I am as free as paino notes played by a lonely musician. And the lamp lights gazing at the cold whispering November breeze, made me thank God for living those peaceful moments as well as knowing they exist for me to cherish..

*******

I’ve never ran out of words so far, But sometimes I feel words run away from me. I’d be sitting face-to-face with hundreds of words flying between us, thought nothing is heard spoken. Sometimes I’d wish to tear out the silence gap between us, but the oceans between the 2 shores are too far to be crossed.
Sometimes, looks send what words can’t say..

See, this is what I mean; what am I saying after all :) !! Nonsence, unless you know!

*******

I just did this new quiz to discover my flower.

I AM A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

*******

must be leaving, though I don’t want to. Must be heading some where though I want to stay. Isn’t it ridiculous? Doing what you don’t want because you have to?!
Yet tell me, what’s not ridiculous after all apart from the moments we try to enjoy..

So Happy Feast, try to E.N.J.O.Y.!!



PS:
Of all the friends I've knew, I would like to thank Lomat *another radio friend from Alex; though I don't know if he'd reach out till here or not* for his patience with me last couple of days and his intense help in my studies. May ALLAH reward him all the best :)