!!!

06 .. !!

الحقيقة اللى لازلت أجهلها هى سر السعادة لما يتغير آخر رقم فى السنة! كل ما سنة تخلص وتبدأ التانية تلاقى هيصة وزيطة وفى كل حتة يقولولك "هابى نيو ير".. على الفاتارين وشاشة التلفزيون والإعلانات والجرايد والمجلات.. يوووه متعدش! ولما يبدأ العد التنازلى بقى، ساعات كتير بسمع صوت (صويـــت) عالى كدة أول ما تدق إتناشر، ولا كإن مصر دخلت جون فى نهائى كاس العالم –مع العلم إننا عيشين فى حى هادئ جداً-
عن نفسى مش شايفة أى شئ جديد، دا حتى ملل إننا ح نعيد الشهور م الأول تانى.. يعنى لو كانوا يكملوها سنة ما تنتهى بأسماء شهور جديدة ومفتكسة كدة أظن كانت ح تكون أجمد. كل ست شهور يجتمع العالم يفكر فى أسماء ست شهور جايين.. وتفضل سنة ممتدة إلى ما شاء الله.

الشئ الوحيد اللى بنتظر السنة الجديدة عشانه هو برنامج بيذاع على إذاعة "البرنامج الأوربى" آخر ساعتين فى كل سنة ويمتد لأول ساعتين م السنة الجديدة “New year’s eve special” مع أكتر مذيعين بحبهم .. "أشرف الجندى وأسامة كمال"..
أقعد أعد الشهور عشان الأربع ساعات دول.. وكالعادة –اللى تعودتها من مدة- انى لازم كل مرة أكلمهم شوية، نضحك فيها م القلب ونهيص فى حاجة كدة على ماقسم –بما اننا مشردين م الحفلات-
إلا ان السنة دى بقى ربنا رزقنى بعطل فنى، نوعه: امتحان ديجيتال صباحية السنة الجديدة.. يعنى م الآخر: سنة باينة من أولها؛ لأنها ح تكون أول مرة ليا من سنيـــــــن كتير جدا أنقطع عن سماع أهم أحداث السنة –فى أجندتى- عشان ح ضطر أنام بدرى استعدادا لمهابة الإمتحان.. وثانيا بقى ربنا يستر بكرة لأنهم بيقولوا دكتور المدة دى حاجة صعبة خالص!!
وغير كدة أو كدة.. عمريش قلت إنى ما بحب الأرقام الزوجية!.. بتبعث على الكأبة فى نفسيتى المرهفة

عموما عشان أروح أكمل اللى ورايا وعطلكمش اكتر من كدة.. يالا "هابى نيو ير" جميعا إن شاء الله.. ويجعله عامر
قولوا آمين!

سلاماتى

ورجعنا للبرد من تانى

الأوان أوان شتا

شتا.. غتت
السحب ذات نفسها
م البرودة اتكلفتت..

معرفش ليه لما الشتا يهل بأول نسماته، تملى بتزيد الهموم، والسكات يحل مكان الكلام. وتصبح الايام كلها "سنفونية شتوية أكثر مللاً". أصحى متأخرة –كالعادة- بعافر أطلع من بين البطاطين برتجف. فى لمحة أشرب فنجان الشاى باللبن، أغير هدومى وأملى الشنطة بمجموعة أوراق وأقلام رصاص، مفاتيح البيت، محفظتى البنفسجية وكتاب إستعرته من صديق بمنى نفسى أنتهى من قرايته. أمسك بلوفر –حفيف نسبيا- فى إيدى وشيل الشنطة.. أقفل ورايا الباب و أنطلق على صدى صوت أمى يرن فى ودانى: "ربنا يحفظك يابنتى".. و أول ما أخطى ف الشارع أعانق لسعته البدرية فى حفلة بعزف منفرد؛ أحياناً بيشاركنى بعض قطرات مطر ضلت طريقها من ليلة إمبارح، وأحياناُ بكمل طريقى وحدى ويا أعمدة بتنفض عن أنوارها آثار السهر. أقف ع المحطة والدنيا بتشتى عليا لكن من جوايا بتشتى أكتر، أحاول أضم إيديا ولكن كل مرة أنتهى بمحاولة أخرى فاشلة لإسترجاع إحساسى بالدفا.

من زمان -وأنا والشتا- من ألد الأعداء، بكرهه لما ليله ياخد من نهاره، وعتمته تغطى على أنواره. بكرهه لما السكك تموت والناس قافلة على نفسها البيوت وتبدأ أحلامنا البسيطة رحلة بيات. ولما يصعب عليه أنام فيتعبنى ببرد ملوش أمان حتى سحاباته تحجب عنى ضو القمر. لكن أرجع وأشم ريحة الطين المندى وافتكر ريحة كباية الشكولاتة و ريحة الشوارع المغسولة بعد المطر وأنا بجرى ويا أصحابى وسط الزحمة، نلحق أى مواصلة تحمينا من رخ السما. أشوف أوراق الشجر بتتلألأ بعد مطر إمبارح وأفتكر لمتنا جانب الدفاية فى عز فبراير وف يناير، أسمع صوت أخويا بيردد آخر نكة ويا غنوة حلوة وضحكة صافية. أبص لخيوط الفجر، أشوف نور أباجورتى الصغيرة وأنا بحاول أقرأ من تحت مليون لحاف وداخلة أمى عليا بحضنها الدافى حتى فى عز الشتا..

ساعتها –وساعتها بس- مبخفش م الشتا.. ويبقى نفسى أجرى وأجرى وأرقص تحت المطر. بفتح الشباك وأفرد إيديا فى دعوة منى لنسماته تشاركنى مكان ما بين ضلوعى.. مليان بالدفا..

دخل الشتا وقفل البيبان ع البيوت
وجعل شعاع الشمس خيط عنكبوت
وحاجات كتير بتموت فى ليل الشتا
لكن حاجات أكتر بترفض تموت
عجبى!!

سلاماتى


-----------------------------------------
(1) من شعر "الربيع رغم الشتا" لعمر نجم
(2) من رباعيات جاهين

• نشرت بتاريخ اليوم بجريدة الدستور صــ25

Dear Whoever; (updated)

So today is THE day I’ve been anticipating for long!
Let me say my reasons *in a chronological order* then you decide yourself:

28^th of December 1988:
He firstly saw this earth’s light.. yet now he’s walking around, wandering and pondering.. asking and wishing if today he’d find a star,, if today he’d have his present..
I’m sorry I’ve failed you down this time *exams you know* I had no time to think of anything special *as if I’d do :P * .. but anyways..

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET 17
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY ONLY BA3KO
*his nickname, and don’t laugh :D *

*GOSH! He’s 17 already…. Why on earth years are passing that fast!* One thing I want to add, it’s no matter how we nag all the time, no matter how we fool around each others. No matter how we react nonsensly.. I still remember the times we’ve laughed and the times we’ve cried together under the same ceiling, to draw the same cherished memorize in the heart..
Thank you for being part of my life, thank you for being my dearest of all dear brother :) :)

28^th of December 2004:
Was my 1^st time to say “Dear whoever”
I still remember when I 1stly said: “I send my words to the void, and wish someone, somewhere would listen.. So may be you are the one to read my message in a bottle or in a Blog!!”
And till today, I never imagined I’d have this over whelming welcome from each and every one of you.
YES! That was our anniversary that I’ve mentioned days ago.. a year ago it was me and the void celebrating 1st post on "On My Own".. today, its me and nearly 25 who visits my blog frequently and either leave a comment, or discus it with me directly in person..
Guys and gals you’ve made un-forgettable days of my life.. you made it look brighter at times it seemed so low.. you are a new treasure added to my life..
If you may allow me to just say a special thanks sent to 2 people I got to know simply for the stream of bits over IP *quoting here* though they share nearly the same very activity of mine everyday and since a very very long time..
Sheryos *Shrex back to life* .. & T’ee *>>Cout “Trex OST”*
And still more to come in the way isA….
Thank you for coloring my days sometimes..
Urs, BluxX

28^th December 2005:

……
wait for the updates… :)

Tada, Tada I’m signing off.. singing along the way.. Singing a happy song..
sweets dreams, and good night.

Urs,
finally found someone to listen :)

---------

Updates:YAY!! I got my 2nd piece to be posted in the "Destoor" newspaper, page 25 :) and BTW: i got another wonderful surprise at the end of the day; That you'd propably know after a couple of weeks or so.. Wish me luck :) :) ;)
BTW: U can check it here

Call it whatever..

Yesterday was one of the strangest days I’ve had lately. It started by setting off early to my 1^st final exam for this term. I had to go on my own this time for a thought “I needn’t talk to any person” I was feeling blueee. As I entered collage I started a walk on my own, as well, in the one and only place I love there :) ..
After the exam I was partially fine! *Though I didn’t do my best really* I mean, I wished I’d be doing better, its been too long having my studying curve going from bad to worst! Anyhow afterwards, I had a lovely chit-chat with some of my folk though it was horrifically cold by then! We took the bus returning back home, but guess what we did!!... TADA..

In the middle of our way we saw an ice cream shop that we’ve promised to go there sometime, so in one second, un-expectedly, we stood up and asked the bus driver to stop!! Few more mins. we were in :D ..As soon as we entered the place each one of the 4 of us ordered a different ice cream flavor *guess what I’ve choose for my self* and the waiter’s looks were about to tell us: “who are those strange girls, ain’t it freezing outside?!”
BUT what the heck, as long as we are enjoying our selves, and we continued our laugh *it was amazing.. hehehe*
As I returned home I couldn’t wait to tell mother what her daughter did :D .. she was about to yell at my face “are you out of your mind! Ice cream in that weather and in the middle of your exams!” .. but actually she couldn’t after seeing my wide smile that hadn’t been there for a long time now.. I was suddenly happy..

Around 2 pm, I sat at my PC doing all the nothingness of life.. there wasn’t a specific thing to remember.. or may be the one thing I might recall was “introducing some of my writings to a friend WHO by far mock me all the time!!” at first I thought it was a victory for me, but after I read another one of his writings I knew: there is no place for victory.. we are 2 worlds apart different writing tastes, everyone is beautiful on its own ;)

At around 5 PM I thought of having a nap, so I closed the lights and entered my sweet-cozy-warm bed of mine.. and believe it or not, I just wake up at 7 this morning..!! which means, my nap was about 14 hours back2back :D :D :D and believe it or not for the 2^nd time, I was having this eagerness to continue my sleep, I didn’t feel like to do anything !

Now its about 9:30 and I am still at my PC trying to re-organize my files. Ever since this one was claimed to be mine, independently from my brother’s own pc, and I’ve left the place a real mess.. a tangle of files and folders haphazardly put!! Yet instead, I browsed some more places, I’ve been asked lately to search for some music by friends *so weird that some already believe I am their musical search engine !! * I might pass you some links at the end of this post and ask your opinion about my choices ;)

Aa by the way, I am downloading this CD now

It really ROCKS! That guy is a wonderful guitarist reaalllllllllly.. he got all my favorite guitar tunes ever….. *friends can pass on a CD, and as usual I’d burn :@ :@ :@*

I am currently listening to some Buddha bar tunes I’ve parachuted from my brother’s pc :D :D, if I might say *between me and you*, that guy got some taste… *tal3 lo5to ;) *
Ah.. I’ve downloaded 2 awesome books as well, and I believe I’d get crazy and print them.. they truly ROCKS! Though that might cost me a fortune, yet who cares :D .. may be after eid or something I’d go doing that courageous step..

What else.. I had other things in mind to tell.. Ah yes.. to all my Egyptian friends:
Don’t forget to buy “el destoor” news paper next Wednesday.. and wish me luck ;)

Other note I want to pass.. I just found that in an email today’s morning..

Wish Slo, Olivia, Jia Li, Jane and all my Christian friends a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMASS…
you might as well try the “jingle bells” version on Slo’s blog ;) ;)

I’ve written all that already :S .. I’d better run and leave the musical links for next time ;)

Cheers all, you’d better take care of yourselves :)
Time to go ... 73's

************
Added on 27th of December at 11:00 am.

I just encourge anyone who reached till here to get the CD I mentioned above. Just hold your breath and have some more moments to chill out, enjoy the world by yourself.. I know you won't regreat that exprience EVER..
highly recommecded to start with:

Albéniz: Asturias (Leyenda)
Myers: Cavatina
Tarrega: Recuerdos de la Alhambra
Trad.: Romance Arr. Williams (alsmot the one you can hear at the background)
Morricone: The Mission
Robles: El condor pasa (If I Could)
Rodrigo: Concierto de Aranjuez: Adagio
Fernandez: El Diablo Suelto
Ponce: Scherzino Mexicano
Rota: The Godfather

Eggzamz effects (edited)

I wonder why it always pours when it starts to rain!
Suddenly, everything turned out a big-real-fat mess.
Suddenly, Blue started her Seasonal hallucinations!!


>> Blue has left the building
>> ctrl^Z
>> run time error
>> Exit

***********

(Edits)

If I’d tell you one thing, I’d say: it hurts feeling a 2nd hand friend!
You lean on me when you are feeling blue, but when I’d be in my darkest hours, there won’t be someone to listen.. for there isn’t someone to share the small things that make me happy!
I’ve always had this question: which came 1st {my private isolation or being a 2nd handed person} !!
I give without any intended hope to have something back.. I’ve been living the un-conditional love with almost all the ones dear to my heart and never thought of the same in return.. it truly makes me happy knowing that I’ve helped someone out of a problem, or that I’ve managed at last to draw a smile on someone’s face..
Believe me, I’ve never waited for saying “thank you” after..
Then I remember to ask myself one more question: had I turned too sensitive to think this way or had I lingered to much hope on the definition of the word “friendship”?!

Time to go... 73's

Breaking News

Of all the things that would be said or done, the least expected would be:
Sheryos deleted his space early this morning..

I know U were in a sort of deep depression, but that would never give you the right to delete things you’ve already accepted to share with people. U got to know, since the very second anyone decides to write something in his/her space/blog, it no longer belongs to the writer, but to the reader.
I consider what U did is a crime I won’t forgive you for, as a reader before being a friend.

Anyhow, after I poured out my anger.. I would like to add one more thing, thank ALLAH I told you to join the aggregator at the proper time.. for here you can find parts of what you’ve wrote through out the days.. wish reading your OWN words would be a proper punishment for what you’ve just committed!

No goodbyes and no sweet-dreams to U…

Dear whoever,

Tonight, I’ll write, not for any particular thought, except for I want to talk but I have no one in mind at the moment, or rather I don’t have someone to talk to for always and guess forever more. But then I have no words available to use, or could be I don’t want to use the words if it’s yet another channel to be mis-understood!
Tomorrow I have collage early and I can’t sleep. All I’m thinking of for is only this quote I once read from the Bible and made me smile

"For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to break down and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

Sweet dreams whoever reading..

PS: I really miss talking to you, my void… :) .. very near we'll celebrate our 1st anniversary..

من ذكريات الطفولة

بقلب الصفحة ورا الصفحة فى كتاب جديد اشتريته امبارح وأنا بتمشى

عينى وقعت ع الكلمات فافتكرت وقلت أفكركم معايا..

ميمو: اوعى سيبى اللعبة بتاعتى
ميمى: لأ دى بتاعتى
ميمو: ....... ياسلام ياختى
ميمى: ما تشـــدش
ميمو: ....... طب يالله سيبيها
ميمى: لأ دى بتاعتى
ميمى: ما تشــدش
ميمو: ....... ما تشديــش انتى
(( تتمزق اللعبة ))
الاتنين: يـــاه...
(( تخرج من داخلهل نيللى ))
نيللى: سكر مرشوش فى طبق منقوش.. العبوا مع بعض ما تتخانقـــوش

..

كالعادة (( اللعبة )) من ابداعات عمى الكبير... جاهين

سلاماتى

kicking off today..

ONLY Yesterday
Phew! I’ve just finished my midterm exams, quizzes and reports. So I gave myself a day off. Nearly stopped all my usual stuff in a way trying to relax, for I am just about to start my damn final exams next Sunday till the 22nd of January by God’s willing! Then it would be my turn to get down to this term’s major project and researches!! GOSH!

Anyways, I played reverse online, and I won twice in a row! *I believe from now on, I’ll skip the beginners’ level ;) *
I even get into various knowledge quizzes. One of them was about the famous novels’ 1st lines; and guess what I met:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair ..."

Can you, by any chance, remember ;) ;) .. *i know its not very tricky, but that novel got lots of special memorizes.. hints: at school times..*
At around 2 in the morning, I switched off lights –but for my small lamplight- opened my closet and started to re-organize my studying papers, books, notebooks and references; each subject in a row according to its timing in our schedule. Then at around 4 a.m. I closed the lights and prepared myself for dreams-sweet-dreams.. *actually I hadn’t had a single dream in zillion days ago, wonder what’s wrong :s *

Today
I set my alarm to wake at 9 a.m., but in fact after the *snooze… snooze.. snooze… offffftt.. Alarm OFF* I wake up at 12 noon :D .. in less than 30 mins I made my breakfast, my daily tea with milk cup, filled my bag with some studying papers, changed my cloth then TADA.. Off to the club to study. It’s been my favorite time of the year to study in the club; the sun would be shining and the weather just perfect. So I gripped myself a chair, and a table in a sunny spot. Amazingly, after only half an hour I discovered that nearly all the people sitting beside me are 1 of 3 cases:

1. Old people trying to enjoy the sun.
2. House wives with lots of young kids playing *and by the way, I hate when I have kids around me while I am trying to focus*
3. A lot of couples pretending to study :D

So I took my leave *bkaramti keda* and started my usual walk. Did I ever tell you I like walking in a rout called “love-street” in our club?! OK! I love it for the flowers and trees on both sides along the way. Tell you, for a second I did as my usual when I am trying to connect with nature or in other words, trying to cheer myself up; I closed my eyes and opened my arms hugging the gentle winter breeze. YAY! Now I am totally sure those cherished moments are my life-time’s treasure.

Back on track, I continued my walk, still yesterday rain’s impact was obviously seen every where. The play grounds were fill with water ditches, the trees looked brighter than the usual, the see-saws where abandoned by kids, even the smell of the air was still as fresh as if it was raining seconds ago. Then I passed by the shopping area, and guess what! I couldn’t resist the library.. I entered, wandered then pondered between the books on the shelves and to my luck I fished a new one for myself!! Another *Salah Jaheen”’s poetry book. I paid the money then went outside; going through its pages while walking. Now I got 5 whole books for Jaheen in my library, and I even asked the librarian to sell more of his and other poets’ books, and so she promised she will. Holding my 2nd treasure firmly between my hands I entered the groceries and bought a piece of choco croissant to eat. *ain’t that too much as a treat, am I spoiling myself now or wah!!*


mm.. Returned back to some other building called “the social club”, I got myself a chair to sit in the balcony there, over looking the swimming pool. But the scene was way to gorgeous for me to study! I kept on gazing and trying to write something.. its been ages I haven’t wrote a proper post either on this blog or my Arabic “lasto adri” blog. And tell you what, I wrote new Arabic post.. but dunno why I torn the paper!

At around 4 pm I took my stuff and things heading my home-sweet-home :) .. as I entered my room I opened my PC then got my new treasure out of the bag. I started playing some more of my new age music and dived in the marvelous world of Jaheen’s.

Now I don’t know why I wrote all the above, it makes no sense talking about the non-sense. But sometimes I think, the world is full of weird forms of insanity that would make you appreciate yours even more..

من هنا يتقبل العزاء

من حوالى إسبوعين حكالى صديق عن عشق والدته للنظافة. للدرجة اللى ممكن تفسد بيها الأشياء من غير ما تاخد بالها.. وآخر مغامراتها كانت مع الغسالة لما فكرت فى إكتشافها من الداخل.. وقد كان..
ساعتها حمدت ربنا على النعمة اللى أنعم بيها عليا فى حياتى الهادئة والمستقرة..

إلا إنى صحيت النهاردة على صوت حد بيدعبس فى دولابى.. وللمفاجأة وجدتها والدتى وفى إديها بعض قطع من ملابسى ومنهم بلوفرى المفضل!..
-- "ماما إنت ح تعملى إيه بلبسى..؟!"
-- " ح غسله"
-- " شكرا.. ممم بس ممكن بلاش البلوفر دا.. إنت عارفة أنا بحبه قد إيه.. أنا ح بعته للدراى كلين"
-- " دراى كلين إيه.. متخفيش ح نضفه قوام قوام.."

وقمت.. إتوضأت وصليت وقعدت أذاكر شوية.. أصل بكرة عندى إمتحان microwaves والدنيا قلبت ضلمة خالص. وإذا بى ألاقى والدتى داخلة وفى إديها البلوفر المزعوم وبتسأل:
-- " عندك إستعداد تلبسى البلوفر دا ع البنطلون؟"
-- " إزاى يا ماما دا قصير.. وإنت عارفة إنى بلبسه على الجونلة.."
-- " لا.. ما هو طول.."

ومن ساعتها وأنا بفتكر كلام الصديق وهو بيحكى عن مغامرات والدته. أقف و أطل طلة على بلوفرى المدعى عليه –الله يرحمه- و تبقى الدمعة ح تفر من عينى.. لو كان بيفهم كنت قلت له قد إيه هو كان عزيز على قلبى..
يمكن دى أهم عيوبى... تعلقى الشديد بالأشخاص وبالأشياء اللى بقابلهم فى حياتى.. كل واحد وكل شئ له ركن خاص ومعزة خاصة فى قلبى..

دلوقتى كل إللى أقدر أعمله إنى أدعو للبلوفر بالمغفرة والرحمة... وأقول لوالدتى: "الله يسامحك ياماما.... مش عارفة اذاكر وعندى microwaves"

سلاماتى..

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart

For times when my life feels so low

It would make me believe

What tomorrow could bring

When today doesn't really know

Air Supply

All out of love

To U

Sonnet 14 - If thou must love me, let it be for nought
XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought

Except for love's sake only. Do not say

'I love her for her smile—her look—her way

Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought

That falls in well with mine, and certes brought

A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—

For these things in themselves, Beloved, may

Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,

May be unwrought so. Neither love me for

Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—

A creature might forget to weep, who bore

Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!

But love me for love's sake, that evermore

Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Tomorrow Is Not Promised

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become. You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learnedfrom, In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.

You can make of your life anything you wish.

Got it on an email 2 years ago from a friend :)

مقابلة

فى ناس تقابلهم سنة ولا كإنك تعرفهم.. وفى ناس تكلمهم ساعة وكإنك تعرفهم من يوم قبل ما تعرفهم. وفى ناس يمشوا خلسة بين متاهات حياتك ولكن تلاقى أثرهم على جدران ذكرياتك بذكريات أيامك كلها! وفى ناس يبقى نفسك تقول لهم –فى وشهم- قد إيه إنت بدأت تحب حياتك من يوم ما عرفتهم. وفى ناس من يوم ما تشفهم تحطهم فى برج عاجى بعيد قوى، بعد الإحترام والتقدير والإعجاب.
وفى ناس كفاية عليها صورة فى برواز تمسكه وتكسره.
لكن أنا حفرت فى قلبى دمعة فرح.. لأنى صادفت ناس أثروا فيا أكتر من مجرد شخبطة على ورق. منهم ناس أقدر أقول -دلوقتى- عليهم رفقاء رحلة سفر، أشيلهم وردة فى قلبى لحد ما تعبر مراكب الشمس خط المغيب و النور ينطفى..

A vivid nightmare..

And if I am asked I’d say it out and loud.. I’d repeat it till my final breathe.. I’d swear by God : I hate him like I’ve never hated a person in my entire life. And then I’d hate him still!

Thank you for all the downs you bring to my life…

So far..

1. I sort of managed to cut down the time I waste online. Some friends confirmed I am not observed on the MSN as much as I used before, and this is due 2. and 3.
2. I kind of helped a friend out of a problem he previously mentioned. No need for details, but cutting down internet *for me* was a must.
3. Our 1st term project finally was issued alone with the Nth exam for this term and the 2154948797468544 assignment! .. time seems valuable as it has never been before!
4. Our conference’s welcome party is on Thursday, and to my amazement I have to handle some work by then *since I am in the publication organizing committee*. God knows when, how or where I can do such thing! Anyways, let me not think that far, I am still living the Sunday……
5. Last microwaves exam was a real misery. Wish next time I’d grap the full mark, AT LAST!
Ps: I don’t mind if its full mark minus few marks.. just take me off the danger zone I’ve invaded with my last grades!!!
6. I went with mother to few malls shopping yesterday. Yet looks like I don’t have a will to look at the hanging clothes as well, I nearly bought nothing.
7. I guess it’s publically observed now that I decreased the number of my effective posts and comments as well. People, I want to apologize to you all.. especially Olivia and Jia Li. *just don’t forget asking from time to time.*
8. The count down is ON.. my final exams for this semester will start on the 25th this month and would finish on the 22nd of January, isA. In other words, no feast celebrations, no party for my 21th birthday *as my usual*, and no having fun with Osama and Ashraf’s in their special new year’s eve program on radio *crying*. Last year I sung with them ON AIR.. that was hell loads of fun there…. *crying increased*
9. I am crying now.. don’t disturb.
10. If I remembered something, I’d soon add… as for now… Lasto is signing off..

73’s everybody…

قررت أكون

طول الطريق وأنا بفكر فى بوست كتبته مرة زمان عن واحد "كان عايز يكتب". حالة م الإحباط كانت معتمة على كاتبى المغمور للدرجة إنه فقد معنى الكلام وطعم الحياة. كل شئ أصبح عنده بسرعة واحدة وحركة فى نفس الإتجاه . تعاطفت معاه أكتر الأوقات خصوصا لما كنت بحس إنه أنا. لكن يرجّعنى اللوم فأفقد إهتمامى لأنه ضعيف أمام نفسه. ترك دخان فنجان قهوته يسرق منه عمره وهو بيهرب بين أفكاره البعيدة وأوراقه الوحيدة. كان ممكن يحطم جزور الصمت عن أحلامه البسيطة ويكسر جسور العجز عن جناحاته الضعيفة؛ ينفض غبار اليأس ويبدأ من أول السطر.

ولقتنى طول الطريق، وأنا بتطلع لبرة الشباك، كإنى بشوف نفسى لأول مرة الفترة اللى فاتت. وعلى لسانى بكرر بيتين شعر عرفتهم عن عمى جاهين –رحمة الله عليه-. فكرتنى يعنى إيه أعافر عشان أشب لجل أطول نجومى، أخطفهم من بين ضلمة همومى وأجرى لبعيد قوى.

دخل الشتا وقفل البيبان ع البـــيوت

وجعل شعاع الشمس خيط عنكبوت

وحاجات كتير بتموت في ليل الشــتا

لكن حاجات أكتر بترفض تمــــــوت

عجبي !!

سلاماتى

Though I won't see falling snow..

So its the 1st of December already..
YaaaY! I Love this Month....

Deja Vu, or what?!

Today, as I was taking a quick glimpse of the lecture’s hall, I saw someone I never thought he’d be around at that exact timing. Simply because it’s not his normal attitude to attend such lecture. Anyways, I wonder what made me notice the cloth he was wearing, I mean this is not my usual to notice such things, but so I did.
And actually, still I didn’t pay much of attention to that and turned around to focus with the material discussed. Then the door was opened just after the lecture finished, finding that very same person entering from the door!!! To my surprise he was wearing the very same cloth I thought I saw him wearing minutes ago.
Take into your consideration that the hall got only one door in the front. While I was gazing at the entering and leaving flow of people as I was waiting for my friend. So no way that person left then re-entered.

I know it’s a trivial something to mention but it really made me wonder all day long, how could I see him while he’s not there in the 1st place ?!

MCQ ..

And how am I supposed to name this piece of news I just finished reading on “The Sandmonkey” blog!

1. Fact or Fiction.
2. or Believe it or not !

its all about: Michael Jackson is building a mosque !!! and his refrence is this.

The Best Within You!

In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are at its worst.In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, thenot-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach.Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it's yours.

—Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Email :$

And after a long time now, I emailed Osama on “late night cartoon”.. Thought to share it with you :)

Dear Osama,
May be as you read this email I’d be fast asleep, and may be sitting wide awake counting some shooting stars I’ve seen lately. May be I’d be feeling the normal autumn cold or the warmth of my heart.
Its been a while I haven’t emailed you, in fact its been a long time I was away. Away from my usual life, the usual faces and things I lived with for the passed 20 years or so. Suddenly, I stumbled “change” on my way. Can’t hide how much I feel happy lately, happy like I’ve never been before. Last 2 days, along with friends, we’ve been celebrating the blossoms of the sleepless nights working in the past 5 month. But that wasn’t it after all. I’ve just discovered the meaning of being a team turning in friends then brothers and sisters. I’ve met new people who twisted the very same “ME” I thought I know. I figured out some pure meanings that were hiding deep inside.
And though I know they won’t be listening to you tonight, I felt I have to declare it out loud how much I cherish the past 2 days. How much I care for them. And how much I feel disappointed on the thought that as the world keeps Turing, we might lose each other along the way. One day we are together, the next we can’t figure out where our feet are heading forward or backward to. We might meet in the middle someday, and we might end the journey with the memory that we’ve been together once upon a dream.
Have been too romantic to say so?!
I don’t know, I mean, I don’t care. I love my new friends. I love them true. And no matter where we are going to, I just wish them from all my heart a life full of love, laughter and shooting stars in their skies.
Good night Osama, Good night Cairo..
Sweet dreams…

PS: Osama, for the sake of the good old days, could you play me “seeking you again” as my usual.. or “Can’t smile without you”….

Here is Osama's reply:

Don’t fall asleep yet. But isn’t it how it works out in life. We build up new friendships, new brotherhoods, sisters, brothers, and close people. But as time goes by you change and people change especially when you are young because each of you grows on his own special way and things become different. But all the same, you may try as much as you want or as much as you can to hold on that kind of friendship as long as you are enjoying it. If not, then hold on to the feeling of it and keep a picture in your mind of this group of people you enjoy being with for quite sometime.
As for your request, we’ll see about that. But for the time being I’ll be playing you a song that relates very much to what you are telling me.
“its all about us”.. T.A.T.U.

Thank you Osama, you made my day today...

حالة غريبة

اليومين دول ناس كتير قالوا إنى بقيت غريبة. بضحك وأدمع من غير سبب واضح. حتى أنا بقيت مستغربانى. كل كتاباتى من نوع عمرى ما كتبته من قبل أو كتبته وهربت لما قطعت الورق. عمرى ما حاولت أكسر الحاجز الداخلى؛ وأقاوم رغبتى فى إخفاء كل معالم شخصيتى أو ملامح أطياف أفكار ودعابات خيالاتى. حتى فى أحلك لحظات مرحى كنت بدارى. كنت بحاول أبعد الناس عن مملكتى البعيدة وأسبابى الصغيرة. وغالبا كان حتى أقرب الأقربين ما كانوا يعرفوا إن كنت سعيدة أو مخنوقة. مبسوطة أو متنرفزة. والصراحة كنت بفرح بحالة الخصوصية اللى معتمة على حياتى. كنت بفرح إنى ملكة فى أرض مجهولة للجميع معلومة لشخصى وحده. أملك وءأمر وأنهى وأطوف وأحلم وحدى.
إلا إن اليومين دول الفرح بيبان فى عينونى. ونفسى السعادة تغطى العالم كله. نفسى أقول للعالم أنا فوق السحاب. نفسى أصرخ للناس تقاسم بسمتى وتشوف الدنيا بنجوم أول مرة تظهر فى سموات مملكتى. كلام غريب! لكنه حقيقة اليومين دول. الحقيقة اللى حاولت أنكرها بينى وبين نفسى. لكن أرجع و أفرح زى الأطفال لما أشوف اسباب سعادتى. وزى الطيور لما تلاقى أغصان تظلل عليها حر الصيف وأوراق تحميها المطر تلاقى عيونى بيتنطط فيها ضو. أفتكر لحظات إتولدت فى عمرى الجديد وأتمنى بكل جزء فيا.. أتمنى إن العمر كله يفضل اليومين دول.

I've been humming all day long :)

THIS IS MY SONG

PETULA CLARK

Why is my heart so light

Why are the stars so bright

Why is the sky so blue

Since the hour I met you
Flowers are smiling bright

Smiling for our delight

Smiling so tenderly

For all the world, you and me
I know why the world is smiling

Smiling so tenderly

It hears the same old story

Through all eternity
Love, this is my song

Here is a song, a serenade to you

The world cannot be wrong

If in this world there is you
I care not what the world may say

Without your love there is no day

So, love, this is my song

Here is a song, a serenade to you
I care not what the world may say

Without your love there is no day

So, love, this is my song

Here is a song, a serenade to you

Special thanks goes to "MoonLightShadow" for her help :)

Cheers Moon :)

Today was the day, wasn’t it?!

The day we’ve been waiting for over 5 month of intense work. 5 month of sleepless nights full of brainstorming, searching and trial goes along with errors. I’ve knew real gorgeous people I can’t find a word to describe them. Feeling the warmth of a family with your colleagues is a feeling I discovered lately how I miss! Cheers and laughter all around the place filling any thoughts of alienation, seclusion or isolation.

However, above all I wasn’t feeling good. YES, I wasn’t!
I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be!

mm.. I had some nice chit chats here and there with almost all the folk I know, but still something was missing! Can’t hide that I did more than I even expected in my exam today *el7amd lelah* yet didn’t feel that well!!!! I don’t think its inner depression that beaten the warm atmosphere I had all day long. I am not sad or depressed. I was happy yesterday, happy for a reason I know. But today I wasn’t as happy as I thought I could be.
May be because I am still in the same think-less mode; or may be…
Even too afraid to think of such reason in the 1st place. Its not shameful, not embarrassing.. but I am afraid to admit in front of myself.
And afraid to admit as well, that no matter I think I’ve reached nearer to the answer I am still thinking of, I find I am miles away. I just saw 2 actions from 2 different people that made me feel puzzled even more and more, then I shut up. Or I didn’t shut up, but I returned back to how absent minded as I was. Half of my words spoken today were out of the blue without a percent of concentration. And actually it wasn’t by my hands, I couldn’t understand you yet. I couldn’t understand if the game was meant to be about me or someone else?

Stuck between words and looks or actions. Stuck between my heart and mind. I go far, and find its creeping back to me all over again.
And do you think is it easy to forget?!

Today I walked after I retuned home. And don’t I always do whenever I feel I need to clear my mind and start to think. But I was laughing all the way, then suddenly I’d feel sad. I feel deep sadness inside me, then relief, then…. A tangle of mixed feelings would be fighting within. I didn’t mind people’s looks at the weirdo walking in the street, singing sometimes.. laughing other times, frowning till crying.. then walking aimlessly like kids do.
I can’t face myself any more *and thanks to U, where ever you are*, I got tired.
Was I wrong, was I naïve, was I OK, was I stupid… tell me how to find my answers!

The way is not the same, the way is turning heavier and heavier. If I was dare enough to ask, I would do. If I was courage enough to fight for my reasons, I would go. If I was broad enough to confront you, I WILL !

Right now I wish to thank you for a feeling I finally realized,, but I want you to know the hurt and the crack inside. ….

PS: Today I wasn't there, I was with U so far away..

Pause.. FWD

I am feeling terribly excited, yet confused. I know we are going to have fun *isA* but I am worried as well. As if I feel slowly a carpet is taken from under my feet. No need to tell you about the work left to do in less than 2 weeks time! However I can’t focus in anything. Really I can’t focus in anything.. !
I can’t study, can’t work, can’t think, can’t get down to what’s racing beside me and I am standing still :S Hmm.. Somehow I suffer a blockage of every single useful thing in my days at the moment.

It’s not my 1st time to have this going around or to pass by this phase in life. But it’s my 1st time not to understand what’s going on, what are the reasons behind that entire buzz and my 1st time I lose any intention to work on it!
As if I am saying “hell with it, can I quit!”

GOSH! I am not desperate not sad.. Not happy and not feeling good.
Only the music suddenly stopped! UGH!

SBS *short blog service*

Tell me how far is Tuesday!
1, 2, 3..... more days to come ISA.
The count down is on.

P.S.:

Can't wait to show my team what left in store for them.
ViVa Publications...... hip hip Hurray..

****

Looks like someone’s spell is chasing fast *haa ya Sheryos, eswd keda*.
Publications working around the clock in 2*1 METER poster..
*tab leh?! 3amlna a?!*
PLUS
No Black T-Shirts *hei2 hei2*
AND AT LAST
The 9th report that should be handled this week is already issued today already !!!!!!!!!

*mar7a mar7a, hehe gone crazy already :D*

Don't think.. Send me MSN nudge ;)

I was thinking today, and even if they made voice / video chat much easier than today. If they enhanced the methods used; I think I’d still prefer writing chat along with those lil emotions we use almost all the time.
Even while I am talking to people face to face; I sometimes blubber out “LOOL” or “Hehe” through our talk. Sometimes I visualize the “blush emotion :$ ” when I feel embraced; and “teased red face :@ ” when I want to show someone how offended or how annoyed I feel. Let alone the " :P " smily.. I can write a WHOLE book :) :) : )
To the extend I stated once on radio, if I’d ever nominate myself to any voting ceremony: I would use “the over smiling face :D" as my symbol. I feel warmth whenever I see that shining smile. When I turn around to have our eyes meet anywhere, in an ad. Or a hanging picture, I wonder why my heart start beating fast.. *Pump Pump Pump* ??

I’ve been attached to my MSN messenger to the extend I’d get pissed off if I stayed away for a couple of hours! Or if my connection is halted and I can’t get through; *as how it’s happening to me last couple of days already*. All day long I am signed in as “away”, and in fact I’d be really away, I don’t chat *for I don’t find my will to talk most of the times, or for I don’t find my dear friends in the 1st place* but I would still keep myself logged in to feel secure !!
You’d never imagine how hard I feel when I get disconnected un-intentionally! I’d be banging my head to the nearest wall till I manage to sign in again! *Yuppieeeee*

My MSN nicknames actually represent my every current state I am passing by. Sometimes it would be less than 2 hours gap between changing my nick name according to how I feel, or what I am passing by or the song I am listening to. I write it as if I am talking to someone, I just blubber out whatever going on my mind, no matter how random or scattered it might look! No matter how long or short.. funny or depressed. I just write it out confessing my every feeling to the whole world!

Sometimes I get people on my list asking: “what’s wrong Blue?”
And tell you, deep down inside me, I feel happy for that!.. Somehow it’s a privilege I keep for myself. I even admire my MSN than my cell phone!!
Distant kind of friendship has always been my favorite. At 1st it was friends through the radio *I’ve gained a lot of cherished people into my life*. Then it turned out to have some of them online as well ;)
In addition to other usual friends I know for real :)

Never the less, after each time I curse the day I used the stupid MSN messenger as an IM.. I say secretly between me and myself: “Nop, Viva virtual world. Viva MSN!!”

Tada, signing off (^_^)

My life is turning into a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Between assumptions and expectations; worries and certainty I am losing the way. Last couple of days, nagging issues were imposing there existence every where I go, suppressing my free thoughts to breath! I reached the peak when I couldn’t control things anymore; then steadily holding the problem seeking my relief.
So asking my mind with silence as a reply; couldn’t give me clues for how to reach the clues itself! Trembling for a while, that’s how I felt, with a deep anger. Hate it when I feel that lost. Hate it when I can’t figure out the signs along my sight. Hate it when I have to hate.
Knocking heart asking, yet I felt even worst! Thoughts are blurred with a fuzzy picture of a smile. Shadows of good times and laughter hanging along the road. I can’t work fine with such kind of problems. I remember half the picture and leave the rest; or neglect it *if I’d admit*.

Tell me; how to know what is wrong and what is right?! how to decide which way to choose if all ways are blocked?! And if I am drifting aimlessly taken by clashing waves; how could I find my way home?
I am just a human; I make mistakes; that’s true! Yet tell me how to stop my inner self torture.
And if I knew your answer; tell me: will I like it?!
I can’t handle a new hurt to pass by my life, I’ve seen a lot before. Different portraits for the same faces in my every nightmare.

I’ve lost before, I’ve lost and I’ve cried. I convinced myself I am too strong to face the world alone. Yet sometimes I discover I am not. If it weren’t for the pride I keep for myself, I would have stated clear the wonders truing my life upside down!
Expectedly, I feel weak in such a way I fight for a word to ease my mind. Expectedly I feel thirsty in such a way I seek dreams won’t come true.
Some cases can pass by time, but looks mine is left to stay un-resolved at least for the time being.

Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
One step at a time,
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future,
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign!
Let this road be mine!
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home...
At last! (#)

(#) From the cartoon movie “Anastasia” OST
Aaliyah - Journey to the Past

Busy Busy Busy

As a Bee...

بقايا قصة

ينام نهارا حتى تحل ظلمة الليل فيذهب لركنه ليكتب.
ولا يكتب..
يترك فنجان قهوته مع السيجارة، يترك أوراقه مع القلم و يتمشى. حتى تتراءى له خيوط الضوء الأولى فى السماء. يعود ليلملم ما تركه على الطاولة، ثم يترك نفسه لحضن ليل لم يعرفه غيره.

هكذا مرت أيامه دون أدنى تغيير. سنوات و هو يأكل القليل ليبقيه حيا، يتكلم فيما ندر، هائما على وجهه فى فيافى الفكر، قابعا فى مكانه بين الذكريات.
لا يملئ عليه وحشة حياته سوى قلمه و أوراقه و خيال بسمتها..
إعتزل أصحابه و إعتزل نور الشمس أيضا. ضحى بكل ما يملك واهبا اياها لبقايا قصة.

لم تكن الطيور المغردة واقفة على أغصان شجرته، ولا سمائه أكثر زرقة عن أى يوم آخر. مجرد يوم عابر.. صفحة آخرى يطويها و هو يحاول عابثا ان يكتب.
لا أتصور انها قصة من قصص الحب من أول نظرة، ولا كقصص العشق التى تقرأها، ولا حتى خيالات عابرة
هى قصة من بطلين.. هو و هى..

رآها أول مرة على صفحته البيضاء فقد ظل أياما يرسمها بكل تفاصيل حياتها وهى تأكل ، وهى نائمة، وهى تمشى. حتى رأى نور بسمة اشتاقت إليها لياليه و سمع لحن ضحكة أنست بها وحدته.
لا.. لم يرى تلك البسمة و لكن شيئا غريبا أشاع من حوله الدفء فبات لا يرى الا به.
لا.. لم يسمع تلك الضحكة من قبل ولكن شيئا ألح عليه بصدى ضحكة ملأت سمعه فأصبح لا يسمع غيرها.

تاه معها فى عالم من نسجه..

ظل مدة يسترق لحظات فكره بجانبها، ثم بدأت اللحظات ليالى، ثم عالم كامل، به شمسه و قمره و سماءه و نهاره. عالم فريد يتحدى كل القوانين التى عرفها قبل ان يرى نفسه معها.
لم يفكر فى اسم لها ولا فى تاريخ يربطهما معا ولا ماضيها او حاضرها.

لكنه فكر كثيراً ان يهرب..
شيئا يدفعه للجنون ان لم ينتهى من تلك القصة. حاول ليله ونهاره ليكمل بقايا قصته الا ان حبه لها كان اقوى من يديه المرتعشة..
أحب ان يجلس اليها و يتكلم معها حتى و إن لم تسمعه. احب ان يتطلع اليها بخياله حتى و ان لم تعى وجوده. أحب عذابه و هو يتمنى ان يرها حقيقة على واقعه..
أحبها وهى تبتسم وتمنى ألا يجد بقايا قصتها..

...

Hello darkness, my old friend,

I’ve come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,

Wake up today as tired as I can be to discover I didn’t bother to set the alarm clock last night. And since I was in a state between wide awake and falling sleep I opened my eyes.. it was already 6:30 AM while I should have been in the street by then!

Wearing the 1st thing my hand found then running down hypnotized or rather blinded by one thought in mind.. Stopping a taxi
-- “ where you want to go miss..?”
-- “ huh!”
If I could tell him go anywhere.. just keep going non stop… take me on a magical carpet or a roaring vehicle racing winds!

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence.

As if a movie, dwelling into preserved memories in flash lights.
:: I asked “M” and she said “it is OK.. you won’t harm”
Confused between yes or no; I choose it YES. Then turned 1st to be harmed was me!
Thunder stucking into shattered pieces..

Sitting in the last desk at the lecture with people’s wonders: “what’s wrong!?”
If they’d back off, or I’d vanish!

“I hate it ALLLL…… “ so I wrote my MSN nickname for today, after Closing my room’s door behind firmly.
Playing my melodies loudly, I am on my way returning to my seclusion.
Starting from today I’ll return to “on my own” where I’ve always been and always lived..

***********************************

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone,

’neath the halo of a street lamp,

Yesterday was one of the hardest days I’ve ever knew so far. Wasn’t physically but rather mentally and emotionally as well. The problem wasn’t in studying, thought I didn’t; though knowing midterms are hurrying forward! More or less that is not the problem unless you meet your stumbling blocks. Puzzles, riddles and significant codes unable to figure out. You try to focus but each time you fall down!
You find yourself surprisingly surrounded with the emptiness haunted your inside and paralyzed your soul.
If I can sit and think!!

And the sign flashed out it’s warning,

In the words that it was forming.

I sat down before I slept with fighting conflicts in my head.
1:50 AM I feel I need to scream till I’d lose my breath. Scream then hide to a place no one can find! Turning on my lamplight on desk, holding my pen and started to write a flood of letters, words and numbers; sinking between them clueless..
Tell me what to do.. tell me what to say or how to act!
And why I feel so small in front of myself!
I’ve neither been in such situation nor expected the day might come. Back to my pen I started to draw aimless lines.. lines then curves.. curves then circles.. circles then tears reached the threshold and suddenly burst.

Do I pity myself
No I don’t, I hate it though,, I loath it even, if I’d admit..

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dared

Disturb the sound of silence.

“mother would you help..”
already 3:00 am and no one around, no one to help and no one I’d think to count on..
floating between 2 extremes, floating to the wilderness as naked as I might be.. Bare footed and starving to death..
am I..?
am I not..?

Fools said i,you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows.

and under the faint light beside me I gazed at what I saw on desk
I’ll return it back.. no I won’t.. yes I will.. no I don’t..
So horrible when you hate what you want and can’t get to what you have to..
Eternal problems crawling back.. Sneaking with evil looks.. wishing to fly with broken wings..

“Message encrypted. No look backs to make it easier” was my clue..
yet I can’t stop looking back nor thinking of the future..
future?!
Had I stated a different tense?!
When you feel the ticking of the clock turning heavy and think your existence unbearable burden; you’ll know the moments passing to cross out future and eliminate the present.
Am I..?
No I am not!!

I was never weak before. My mother;s words echoed in my head: “I didn’t give birth to a withdrawer”.. Never begged a person in a life time.. not even begged myself..

4:45 AM. dawn prayers were calling when tears found its rest.
Turning off the light, pushing away the pen and papers..

So hard to be stabbed at the back but harder to be slapped at the face with… your own hands..

Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you.

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoedIn the wells of silence (#)



(#) sound of silence – Simon & Garfunkel

They said

"There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today."

- Mignon McLaughlin (1915~) American Author, Editor

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.1
Mind:	7
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	6.7
Friends/Family:	2.7
Love:	2.9
Finance:	4.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Your Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success. (Read more on improving your life)

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the mind.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the body.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is relatively high, which means you are rewarded by your beliefs. Spirituality is clearly important to do. Never let it slip, and continue to learn and grow. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving the spirit.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. You scored at the very low end for friends and family. This means that your social network is weak and not functioning. Consider re-establishing old bonds as you work on forging new ones. You will be greatly rewarded in return. Try using MeetUp.com to find people near you who share your interests.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope. Read advice from other quiz-takers on finding and maintaining love.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your financial score indicates some trouble. Raise your score over time by making changes which will lead to greater prosperity in the future. Be sure to live within your means today. Read advice from other quiz-takers on improving your finances.

Collecting stars

Thru a window

This morning, I looked thru the window for some moments, thinking.

"It’s been 4 days now I haven’t blogged. Is it that important in my life to count the days I haven’t written anything? Or is it sort of longing to feel belonging for something?!"
Sometimes I believe that all what I read or write on blogs are pure nonsense. What would I ever gain if I read others’ opinion about what-so-ever?! I mean, I could read an article in a newspaper or listen to analysis for a current situation on radio for example or any multimedia. I could even just click on CNN.com or BBCworld.com or DW-world.de … just name it. Its only one click away, yet I prefer blogs!!

Other times I ask myself “what do others find so amusing in what I write, to the extend I’d be emailed if I was away for sometime?” Let alone the pouring questions from friends: “did you quit blogging?”
“no I didn’t.. but I don’t find something interesting to talk about though.”

Almost each time before I post something new, I have to read out-loud things and listen as if its for anyone but me. And after each time I hate what I write more and more. Some times it ends up deleting it, or rather posting but with gestures of dis-satisfaction. Not because I don’t like what I talk about, NEVER. But simply because I don’t see any sort of entertainment or significant importance. Just talks in the air, and I hate that!

When I was young, I wished to become a radio presenter. And still dreaming a far-fetched dream. As days went by I realized my dream is not truly to become a presenter but rather to touch people so deep, to get to interact with zillions of them to know how to be effective. So it’s a matter of being effective or not, of being important or not, of getting to the core of things or dancing on the surface. And so I dreamt to become a writer someday.
“Did I say a writer?”
Being a writer, then returning to the starting point. To write again and again; simply talks in the air!

-- “and when I die, who’d remember me?!”
-- “you’d be remembered by your kids and their kids after”
-- “but that’s not enough. All people are remembered by their kids and their kids after and one day they are forgot! Is it why we are here for?!”
--“that’s how life goes on” they said.

Friends thought I got nuts already. Asking things that are our lives’ ABCs!!
Then reply me: “if its life ABCs then why do we live hide-and-seek daily between answers and question marks???”

I don’t mind having un-answered questions in mind, provided believing I will ran into the answers someday or provided I won’t be mocked..
And may be the 2nd is why I prefer blogging so far ..

Trying to enjoy..

What a relief! Five days for a vacation :)

Ramadan is almost over, and the Lesser Barium is knocking the doors. My memories for the Eid or the feast are all so pleasant *apart from breaking my arms at one 1st eid’s morning* . I always play with the balloons like kids singing out loud “el eid far7a, w agmal far7a, yegma3 shaml areeb w b3eed.. heh heh heeeeeeeeh”
I spend 1st day with my relatives to my father, collecting “el 3edya” or the money the elder gift the younger as a sort of spreading love among all the family members *Hehe*. I save my little cherished money and give myself a treat at the end of the day. Mostly a large bar of chocolate with fruits *my favorite of all*. Mm.. 2nd day is spent with my relatives to my mother, which is even hell better and more fun.. Laughter and jokes flirt all around the place.
3rd day I mostly spend it home; sometimes I go out with friends, or even go alone to the club and buy myself a new book with the little 3edeya left ;) ;) ! ..

however, this year doesn't seem as fun as always! Due many reasons, mostly important : how sick my uncle turned out to be; Secondly for the pouring reports I am left to do plus the midterms that are about to destroy the little neural cells I have in my poor brain!!!!

See, my mother brought me a packet of “Bomb” *or some sort of explosives that make a strong sounds with fireworks; kids play with in Eid*. She fully understands how I am left as a kid inside. No wonder if I found her bringing me some balloons 1st Eid’s morning. For she always does :)

************

Yesterday: Unlike your expectations I didn’t blog. I don’t know why not, thought I had lots to say, but silence has been chosen.
Today’s confession: I am not that strong as you think I am.

*******

mm.. walking today at 6:30 a.m. in the streets, while everybody still sleeping; filled me with a new feeling. Breathing the 1st morning’s fresh air made me believe I am as free as paino notes played by a lonely musician. And the lamp lights gazing at the cold whispering November breeze, made me thank God for living those peaceful moments as well as knowing they exist for me to cherish..

*******

I’ve never ran out of words so far, But sometimes I feel words run away from me. I’d be sitting face-to-face with hundreds of words flying between us, thought nothing is heard spoken. Sometimes I’d wish to tear out the silence gap between us, but the oceans between the 2 shores are too far to be crossed.
Sometimes, looks send what words can’t say..

See, this is what I mean; what am I saying after all :) !! Nonsence, unless you know!

*******

I just did this new quiz to discover my flower.

I AM A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist. People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you. You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words. Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

*******

must be leaving, though I don’t want to. Must be heading some where though I want to stay. Isn’t it ridiculous? Doing what you don’t want because you have to?!
Yet tell me, what’s not ridiculous after all apart from the moments we try to enjoy..

So Happy Feast, try to E.N.J.O.Y.!!



PS:
Of all the friends I've knew, I would like to thank Lomat *another radio friend from Alex; though I don't know if he'd reach out till here or not* for his patience with me last couple of days and his intense help in my studies. May ALLAH reward him all the best :)

Passing by..

Clicking "next blog" as Tarek suggested.. and so I reached out this beautiful post by "Summer rain"

Every time I feel my heart mend and grow, I feel a bit of heartache and heartbreak right after. I gain a little hope, only to be dragged down by painful realizations.
Sometimes, it's so hard to be truly happy.
(I'm sorry for my kind of emo post...I'm feeling a bit blue right now. Dont' worry, it'll pass.)

how so very true..

**********

Ironically, "Yesterday" (**) by Paul McCartney was on my play list..

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away;
Now it looks as though they're here to stay;
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be;
there's a shadow hangin' over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.
Why, she, had to go I don't know,
She wouldn't say;
I, said, something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play;
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why, she, had to go I don't know,
She wouldn't say;I, said, something wrong,
Now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play;
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday

(**) that was part from a life performance for the beatles on stage.... wish you'd enjoy it as much as i do..

Hehe Tags :D

Away for a couple of days to find I am tagged for couple of things! :
Aaaaa, I add my voice to SheryUos asking : "Who starts such things!" *Naaa, its lovely, I like doing it still ;) *
Ok, so I am done with number 5 and 20, and though I didn’t do it, but I was tagged by 3 *sorry Tee*. Now it’s high time to try the 7 and the 23……. Wooh!!
*thanks *~$&!~* , Nightlegend , Around the clock , Wonderer and Eve*



*** 1st tag:
The se7ens…. TADA!

7 things I plan to do *isA*:
1. apply for an AC next year *member in the academic committee*
2. improve my social skills a lot better *taking today’s step is way toooooo AHEAD!, cheers for me*
3. finish reading the doomed “The Da Vinci code”
4. do the microwave report
5. go to Matrooooo7 this year
6. STUDY! :@
7. write a book *isA, pray for me :) *

7 things I can’t do:
1. cry in public.
2. confess my emotions towards somebody openly.
3. hate someone *except for the 2 I previously mentioned*
4. quit on-lining ;)
5. quit thinking..
6. leave my home town in Mars *a.k.a. my weirdo attitude*
7. return a kid again :(

7 things I say most often:
1. aywa aywa
2. tamam
3. fe3lan?
4. neat *credit goes to Dxer*
5. salam
6. Shshshshsh
7. da ana Blue ;)

7 people I want to pass this tag to:
1. Olivia
2. Jia li
3. Sheryos *evil laugh*
4. Tee *and please add to it the other tag*
5. Tarek Amr
6. *~$&!~*
7. Anyone else interested to do it as well :) *Cheers*



*** 2nd tag:
Follow the instructions
1. Delve into your blog archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. find the 5th sentence
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with instructions:
Ponder it for meaning, subtexts or hidden agendas.
5. tag 5 people.

The 5th phrase from my 23rd post was:
“I was astonished, because thought they are presenting the Arabic program, HOWEVER, they are way behind pronouncing proper Arabic..”

OK, as my usual and expected, I was talking about another radio station. That time was the Chinese one. They had a new presenter from Egypt, a very pleasant person, who loved my writings, to the extend he called me “Al mohra el bayda2” or “the white horse”
For me that was too much for one day!
However, I was mentioning the Arabic pronunciation of his Chinese collogues. It’s a good try, because Arabic is one of the most difficult languages of all times. However, I guess they should have been more prepared for presenting!!!

Ah, its been a looooooooooong while I haven’t emailed him. May be I’d do when I finish up the piling things I have left to do :)

5 people I tag:
I already tagged 7 before…… Allez all..


Cheers.... My 73's