A walk with a Country Waltz

Its been 3 days back to back listening to the same musical piece “Country waltz” .. and still can’t interpret how pure I feel.. as if, as if I’ve been touched by a sentimental angle all of a sudden!!
I’ve turned very sensitive lately; I’ve taken a lot of un-reasonable decisions; some passed by safely yet some left a crack inside. We’ve had a fight; we’ve left each other for a while. Friends turned their backs to each other, wore vague masks and mysterious identities. But life went on, as it will always do..

After the storm and the clashing waves, the sea returns as peaceful as we’ve knew life long.. after the storm and the clashing waves, the skies looks as beautiful as if its her 1st time date with the greener earth, humming a silent melody that fills the air then fly all around the space invading our souls, and taking us to a far far better place we’ve never dreamt of before.
Friends do make up together again and fights settle to rest, only when.. Inner peace and beauty prevails.

I open my play list again, and set “country waltz” as the one and only song to hear all day long, only then I feel I’ve been touched by a sentimental angle and a heavenly melody invades my soul..

Peace

مخنوقة مش أكتر

لاء دا مش رجوع.. لكنى ح تكلم بصوت عالى يمكن حد يسمعنى..

من فترة وأنا حاسة انى مش مظبوطة.. حاجات كتير بتحصل وأنا عاملة نفسى مش واخدة بالى، بس من جوايا بجد مش فاهمة فين الصح وفين الغلط!
حاولت كتير أهرب، لكنى كل مرة بهرب منى ليا.. وأبدأ متاهة ما تخلص.. مهما رحت ولا جيت فكرى دايما على قدى، ونظرى للشئ محدود لاتجاهات اربعة.. مهما رحت ولا جيت أنا فى الآخر انسانة ولازم أغلط.. لكن جاوبنى لحد امتى ح فضل أصدق انى بغلط فى حدود طاقة البشر!!

"كثرة الضحك تميت القلب"
مش عارفة مين اللى قالها لكن دلوقتى انا مؤمنة بيها اكتر من اى وقت فات، لانى كل ما اتلخبط اضحك.. وارجع اضحك.. واضحك تانى.. وانا فى الحق بضحك على نفسى ومن نفسى..
مرة زمان كنت كتبت ان جوايا اكتر من شخصية.. وكل شخصية مختلفة لحد التناقض مع الشخصية التانية، وكملت حياتى بقلب واحدة وفكر واحدة وأفعال واحدة تالتة بعيدة كل البعد عنهم..
ومن غير ما أحس برضو لقتنى بحكى لاول واحد اشوفه قدامى لأنى فى لحظتها كنت شبه قربت للجنون.. "كثرة الضحك تميت القلب".. ايوة صح قوى... وكثرة الفكر تشل الفكر برضو.. وللمصادفة قال لى نفس الاجابة اللى كنت متوقعاها..
"كن مع الله.. تجد الله معك"

عارفة انى اتغيرت بشكل مريع فى فترة قصيرة.. طول عمرى وأنا بعيدة عن الناس، وأقول بخاف أخسر حد.. لانى –ولحد دلوقتى- بخاف اصحى الصبح ما ألاقيش حد أتمنى اقابله.. ومالاقيش حد استنى يقول لى صباح الخير.. بخاف لما ازعل مالاقيش حد ممكن اعيط معاه وأحكى كل اللى بيا.. عشان كدة كنت ببعد وأقنع نفسى انى كدة ح فضل معاهم على طول والى الأبد..
لكن بعد فترة اكتشفت انى فى اكبر وهم ممكن اعيشه فى حياتى.. حتى لما قربت من ناس كتير.. كل يوم قبل ما أنام أحس انى بزداد وحدة على وحدتى..
لما تحب ترضى جميع الأطراف... تأكد انك فى النص ح تنسى حق نفسك عليك..
قلتها كلمة ومش ح نساها.. "انا بقيت منتشرة وكتير عليا قوى"! وفى لمحة بعدها حاسيت انى محتاجة اسيب كل حاجة وأختفى فى التو واللحظة عن هنا..

صدقنى بجد كل شئ حصل فى لمحة.. كنت واقفة ومبسوطة جدا مع الناس اللى حوليا بس جت لى فكرة.. مين فى كل اللى حوليا ممكن ينفعنى فى يوم من الأيام؟ مين من كل دول اللى ممكن يكمل معايا. مين ممكن يساعدنى لما اقول انى بقع؟ ومين فى كل دول لو فكرت اروح له وأحكى كل الكلام اللى تاعبنى ممكن يسمعنى ويقاومنى على نفسى بالحق!!
ساعتها ظهرت لى الحقيقة المرة ان كل السعادة اللى شيفاها مجرد شئ فلسو.. ومافى حد منهم كلهم باقى عليا ، وساعتها برضو عرفت الفرق بين "بلو" و "أنا" الانسانة..
"بلو" دى واحدة بتاعة لحظتها.. تحب تعيش على كيفها من غير ما حد يقول لها لاء.. الناس بتحبها لان مافى حد منهم حاول يطل طلة صغيرة على "أنا" من جوة.. كلهم ناس طيارى من برة برة.. انما اللى ممكن يفكر فى يوم يكمل معايا هو اللى ممكن يحب "أنا" الانسانة.. واللى مع كل أسفى كنت بحاول أوئدها بإيدى عشان الناس الفلسو اللى حبوا "بلو"!

قول لى فاهم أى حاجة؟!

بس عمركش حسيت انك بتتنقل من سيئ لأسوأ؟ عمركش مرة حسيت انك بتقع وشايف نفسك من فوق عمال بتصغر قوى فى نظر نفسك؟ عمركش مرة حسيت انك وحش قوى وحتاج تقابل نفسك تخانقها او حتى تخنقها ؟
أهه أنا كدة دلوقتى.. حاسة ان نفسى محتاجة تتربى من أول وجديد.. حاسة انى لازم أبدأ أغير نفسى بنفسى من دلوقتى مش من كمان لحظة..

قفلت كل اللى حوليا وقمت أتوضأ وأبدأ صفحة جديدة بإخلاص داخلى.. وتخيل!.. تخيل انى نسيت بتوضأ ازاى؟!!
ولما فقت ورجعت لقتنى بسأل "ح قابل وجه كريم بأى وش؟ وش "بلو" اللى بكرهها بكل شبر جوايا... ولا بوش "أنا" اللى مش فاكرة ملامحها؟"
بعد ما هديت مسكت المصحف أقرأ.. ومن غير ما أحس فتحته على الآية دى
"ومن أعرض عن ذكرى فإن له معيشة ضنكاً ونحشره يوم القيامة أعمى" طه آية 124

ولازم اعترف انى شايفة نفسى أعمى من أى لحظة عدت قدامى.. أعمى من ما ممكن اى حد يتخيل
عامية عن الحقيقة وان كانت واضحة.. عامية عن الحق لحد ما لسانى اتخرس.. وعامية عن ابسط حقوق نفسى عليا
تخيل كمان انى وصل بيا حالة فى اللخبطة الى انى مش عارفة أولويات حياتى!!

ممكن تستعجب على كلامى.. لكن دا اللى حصل.. عمر ما فى شئ تحكم فى حياتى أيا كان نوعه او جنسه او شكله.. كل حاجة كنت برميها ورا ضهرى وبمشى.. إنما اليومين دول الدنيا وخدانى و بقيت حاسة ان الحمل بقى تقيل قوى عليا.. ومهما فكرت انى قوية بلاقينى فى الآخر انسانة ضعيفة وذليلة قوى.. ومهما افتكرت انى منتصرة، فأنا لسا فى الآخر منهزمة ومغلوبة على أمرى.. ومهما حسيت انى كبيرة.. لسا فى اللى أكبر منى هو وحده اللى باقي لى مهما اتغيرت الدنيا واتبدل البشر..

يمكن أكون خلص كلامى اللى عندى.. لكن يفضل فى الآخر متبقي لى كلمة أقولها من جوة قلبى وبأعلى حسى
"يــــــــــــــــا رب"

You know what I am thinking of right now!
I won’t do it.. I won’t..

I WILL NOT GO FOR IT ANYMORE..

and let the whole world burn... 3ashan I am fed up w bas.

Blog Closed

Daily thoughts

Before I start, to the most beautiful person.. to Bibo..
“ I do not really what to tell you girl, Just forget the past and think of your colorful future..
You’ve been dreaming of him for long… tell him “Yes”.. please
Tell him “YES, I DO LOVE YOU..” with the highest voice you might ever have..
BiBo… You’ll be the most beautiful bride.. I know that girl.. I know that..
YOU deserve to be happy..
YOU deserve to have all what you’ve dreamt.. :)
I do not know how to show how happy I feel NOW,,
But know for sure, YOU gave me much more to look forward for.. and therefore, I’ll be praying for you.. I’ll be praying God would grand you the will and the courage to take the step YOU out of the whole world deserve to live to its full :)

Do not forget to invite me on your wedding ;) ;) soon isA

~*~*~

Today.. ah well.. should be calling this blog “I – Today” .. but whatever.. I still like this one to be as my daily memoir. There are things in life one can’t forget!!
Aww! It was partially eclipsing here at 12:38.. and I was following for the 1st time between friends at the open :D .. quite silly! But the feeling was different.

Ok ok.. story from the start. I wake up very late today that I missed my 1st lecture :S .. last night I’ve wake up till very late convincing myself I was studying, but actually thinking quite deep! .. Sometimes one needs this inter-connection with yourself to think in and judge your attitude for the past days.. and here is what I got..
“I’ve been emotionally rushed!”
Weird to admit it now, especially that its not my usual trait.. but anyway.. I wake up on Bavalova’s SMS wondering where was I :D .. and I just couldn’t miss it :D *evil laugh*

I replied to her question in a weird puzzling way, enough to show how down I might be. I started to curse the whole universe describing how horrible I feel and that I wish no one to interfere in my business again :D
She was worried, and things escalated until she began to believe I am going thru a new depressed phase as the one just passed ……. *s3bt 3alaya awi awi ya gama3a wallahi, ana kont raheba* el mohm.. after so many missed calls , she found me entering the lecture around 45 mins passed the start of the 2nd lecture … and guess what happened, we couldn’t stop the laughing frenzy…..
HAPPY APRIL’S FOOOOLS.. *I know its 2 days earlier.. but, as I said, can’t let it go this way :D *

Anyway, it was break time.. peep peep… meeting the folk in the garden..
Today was quite special for we were to present to souvenirs to our OC and AC heads. GOSH! I love the drift of beautiful feelings between those people.. However, what I loved best today was… “YAY people, I am going to appear in the new photos…”
I was feeling extra down because I had no pix with the crew in addition to the ones I wished to have photos with as well :| .. now all the memories I wish to keep are just engraved in my head.. not even with a hint!! I regard me now as being the biggest fool ever… and so I decided, no matter how horrible I look like in photos, I will still have them.. I’ll engage myself in that life to the fullest.. for YEAH, I do,, I am loving it.. :)

Then it was the sun’s eclipse.. it looked very beautiful . yet then I had this thought.. if I was there that moment, probably I’d see us in the garden looking to wards the sun.. with one girl having a black bag at her right side, wearing a pinkish veil with purple glasses.. but who is she.. what is her description.. what she’s doing now or what she’s saying to the people around!!
The thought gave me the impression that we all but very tiny and trivial arrogant things.. we look for what we do not have and leave what’s already in our hands..
At this moment, I wished to say sorry to people and to myself as well.. but time… time is our greatest enemy.. I looked at the watch, it was already past 30 with few minits.. means I got to go.. my 3rd lecture would have already started…

So I took Bavalova and went back to the hall “362* with one line echoing in my head

If I should stay
Well I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way

Gotta sleeeeeeeeeep now… Bye

*Blue* is back ;)

I missed college’s bus today. The sub-lecturer kept on talking and talking un-aware that the time was up! Not only this, but also he gave us 2 extra reports to write in “assembly language” !! ..*whatever.. I do not care that much any more..*
But then I had to take a public bus ; wasn’t that encouraging journey until I got off. You know, I usually take another transport to my house.. and sometimes I walk. So today, I was in the mood for the hard way .. walking back home..

Somehow I needed to walk.. the last time was probably the 1st of February after the book fair 2nd tour with MiCaps :) ..
And you know what, I felt I needed to breath some fresh air *had I said that yesterday it was raining heavily, though winter should have ended here.. :S *
Anyways, I hold my books at one hand and the poster at the other *with all the lovely signatures of the best crew, best friends, best people and best spirit one might ever live*, took a deep breath, focused at the front road and started the walk..

I do hate big bags, though its more practical than holding books in the hand… but still holding books better than walking empty hands with wonders what to do with my hands and where to put them all way long ! .. funny, huh?!
But I was thinking, the passed days life looked a real mess… when I look back now I think I was emotionally distressed and could be oppressed. Well.. may be because I had to pile things up for long, so it was time for me to get it all out.. and though I do not see a real benefit from all what happened except that .. well.. except that I knew I am not dead. Strange?! But yeah.. I still feel, I still sense, I still get hurt.. beside I still love, forget and forgive :)

But the real big thing I learnt from the previous experience is that, if I used my mind in addition to my intuition I will act brilliant, and have some excellent moves as I did. The chess board was empty, and though the little useless plans I had, but I felt proud of my self after.. and knew that some way or another I am going to make my life, only if I continued using my brain in the right form.

Ah! I had that vision returning back to me through my walk, and this time was stronger, deeper, more beautiful .. in fact, no matter how I described.. was way too good to be true..

“the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” how so wisely -once- said..

now I believe I can make it *Though all my prayers goes for one form of my wish. I hope to be as beautiful as I saw it.. YA ALLAH ! YOU are so beautiful and much more beautiful than one can ever think*

Now I sincerely believe.. I am a believer.. and I do.. I do .. I do..

As I am returning to my peaceful shinning corner again, I was asked the same request twice in 2 different forms by 2 different people: to let *Blue* the one to dominate the real me.. mm.. I thought about that more than once.. true I have more than 2 personalities inside.. and can’t hide *Blue* is nearer to my heart though the hard dignified *Me* is the one always showing..
Yet why not give it a try starting from today.. who knows what might happen..
Yeah, who knows.. who knows :)



PS: I tried to use less the “I” pronoun, but just happens, can’t get it away… that’s mainly why it’s called a personal space after all :)

Cheers and God bless..

So as not to forget..

I know by now, we will have a picture together isA.. I will never let it go..

العقل فى التفكير والرب فى التدبير
Mind is for thinking, but God is for making it come true
ولله الأمر من قبل و من بعد
For God got everything to do after all..


Acknowledgments:
Thank YOU Noha for standing beside me.. and Nado for filling me with strength and hope..
Girlies.. I will never give up and will never know how to thank you :)
You bet my dearest ;)

Yours always and always..
The Flavor "Blue"

:S No Clues

It just happened… I still wonder how “ I ” clicked ^o)

Never hated a thing as much as someone who doubts my smartness and intuition; I am but a women at heart.. I scratch and bite :@

“I know he ain't using the right way from your point of view...but ....I never feel bad for U gurl… I admire U very much … So just B yourself no matter what they say or do.. don’t let anyone let you down OK.. good night”

20 mars 2006 01:59 … I will never forget that .. ever :$