You know what I am thinking of right now!
I won’t do it.. I won’t..

I WILL NOT GO FOR IT ANYMORE..

and let the whole world burn... 3ashan I am fed up w bas.

Blog Closed

Daily thoughts

Before I start, to the most beautiful person.. to Bibo..
“ I do not really what to tell you girl, Just forget the past and think of your colorful future..
You’ve been dreaming of him for long… tell him “Yes”.. please
Tell him “YES, I DO LOVE YOU..” with the highest voice you might ever have..
BiBo… You’ll be the most beautiful bride.. I know that girl.. I know that..
YOU deserve to be happy..
YOU deserve to have all what you’ve dreamt.. :)
I do not know how to show how happy I feel NOW,,
But know for sure, YOU gave me much more to look forward for.. and therefore, I’ll be praying for you.. I’ll be praying God would grand you the will and the courage to take the step YOU out of the whole world deserve to live to its full :)

Do not forget to invite me on your wedding ;) ;) soon isA

~*~*~

Today.. ah well.. should be calling this blog “I – Today” .. but whatever.. I still like this one to be as my daily memoir. There are things in life one can’t forget!!
Aww! It was partially eclipsing here at 12:38.. and I was following for the 1st time between friends at the open :D .. quite silly! But the feeling was different.

Ok ok.. story from the start. I wake up very late today that I missed my 1st lecture :S .. last night I’ve wake up till very late convincing myself I was studying, but actually thinking quite deep! .. Sometimes one needs this inter-connection with yourself to think in and judge your attitude for the past days.. and here is what I got..
“I’ve been emotionally rushed!”
Weird to admit it now, especially that its not my usual trait.. but anyway.. I wake up on Bavalova’s SMS wondering where was I :D .. and I just couldn’t miss it :D *evil laugh*

I replied to her question in a weird puzzling way, enough to show how down I might be. I started to curse the whole universe describing how horrible I feel and that I wish no one to interfere in my business again :D
She was worried, and things escalated until she began to believe I am going thru a new depressed phase as the one just passed ……. *s3bt 3alaya awi awi ya gama3a wallahi, ana kont raheba* el mohm.. after so many missed calls , she found me entering the lecture around 45 mins passed the start of the 2nd lecture … and guess what happened, we couldn’t stop the laughing frenzy…..
HAPPY APRIL’S FOOOOLS.. *I know its 2 days earlier.. but, as I said, can’t let it go this way :D *

Anyway, it was break time.. peep peep… meeting the folk in the garden..
Today was quite special for we were to present to souvenirs to our OC and AC heads. GOSH! I love the drift of beautiful feelings between those people.. However, what I loved best today was… “YAY people, I am going to appear in the new photos…”
I was feeling extra down because I had no pix with the crew in addition to the ones I wished to have photos with as well :| .. now all the memories I wish to keep are just engraved in my head.. not even with a hint!! I regard me now as being the biggest fool ever… and so I decided, no matter how horrible I look like in photos, I will still have them.. I’ll engage myself in that life to the fullest.. for YEAH, I do,, I am loving it.. :)

Then it was the sun’s eclipse.. it looked very beautiful . yet then I had this thought.. if I was there that moment, probably I’d see us in the garden looking to wards the sun.. with one girl having a black bag at her right side, wearing a pinkish veil with purple glasses.. but who is she.. what is her description.. what she’s doing now or what she’s saying to the people around!!
The thought gave me the impression that we all but very tiny and trivial arrogant things.. we look for what we do not have and leave what’s already in our hands..
At this moment, I wished to say sorry to people and to myself as well.. but time… time is our greatest enemy.. I looked at the watch, it was already past 30 with few minits.. means I got to go.. my 3rd lecture would have already started…

So I took Bavalova and went back to the hall “362* with one line echoing in my head

If I should stay
Well I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way

Gotta sleeeeeeeeeep now… Bye

*Blue* is back ;)

I missed college’s bus today. The sub-lecturer kept on talking and talking un-aware that the time was up! Not only this, but also he gave us 2 extra reports to write in “assembly language” !! ..*whatever.. I do not care that much any more..*
But then I had to take a public bus ; wasn’t that encouraging journey until I got off. You know, I usually take another transport to my house.. and sometimes I walk. So today, I was in the mood for the hard way .. walking back home..

Somehow I needed to walk.. the last time was probably the 1st of February after the book fair 2nd tour with MiCaps :) ..
And you know what, I felt I needed to breath some fresh air *had I said that yesterday it was raining heavily, though winter should have ended here.. :S *
Anyways, I hold my books at one hand and the poster at the other *with all the lovely signatures of the best crew, best friends, best people and best spirit one might ever live*, took a deep breath, focused at the front road and started the walk..

I do hate big bags, though its more practical than holding books in the hand… but still holding books better than walking empty hands with wonders what to do with my hands and where to put them all way long ! .. funny, huh?!
But I was thinking, the passed days life looked a real mess… when I look back now I think I was emotionally distressed and could be oppressed. Well.. may be because I had to pile things up for long, so it was time for me to get it all out.. and though I do not see a real benefit from all what happened except that .. well.. except that I knew I am not dead. Strange?! But yeah.. I still feel, I still sense, I still get hurt.. beside I still love, forget and forgive :)

But the real big thing I learnt from the previous experience is that, if I used my mind in addition to my intuition I will act brilliant, and have some excellent moves as I did. The chess board was empty, and though the little useless plans I had, but I felt proud of my self after.. and knew that some way or another I am going to make my life, only if I continued using my brain in the right form.

Ah! I had that vision returning back to me through my walk, and this time was stronger, deeper, more beautiful .. in fact, no matter how I described.. was way too good to be true..

“the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” how so wisely -once- said..

now I believe I can make it *Though all my prayers goes for one form of my wish. I hope to be as beautiful as I saw it.. YA ALLAH ! YOU are so beautiful and much more beautiful than one can ever think*

Now I sincerely believe.. I am a believer.. and I do.. I do .. I do..

As I am returning to my peaceful shinning corner again, I was asked the same request twice in 2 different forms by 2 different people: to let *Blue* the one to dominate the real me.. mm.. I thought about that more than once.. true I have more than 2 personalities inside.. and can’t hide *Blue* is nearer to my heart though the hard dignified *Me* is the one always showing..
Yet why not give it a try starting from today.. who knows what might happen..
Yeah, who knows.. who knows :)



PS: I tried to use less the “I” pronoun, but just happens, can’t get it away… that’s mainly why it’s called a personal space after all :)

Cheers and God bless..

So as not to forget..

I know by now, we will have a picture together isA.. I will never let it go..

العقل فى التفكير والرب فى التدبير
Mind is for thinking, but God is for making it come true
ولله الأمر من قبل و من بعد
For God got everything to do after all..


Acknowledgments:
Thank YOU Noha for standing beside me.. and Nado for filling me with strength and hope..
Girlies.. I will never give up and will never know how to thank you :)
You bet my dearest ;)

Yours always and always..
The Flavor "Blue"

:S No Clues

It just happened… I still wonder how “ I ” clicked ^o)

Never hated a thing as much as someone who doubts my smartness and intuition; I am but a women at heart.. I scratch and bite :@

“I know he ain't using the right way from your point of view...but ....I never feel bad for U gurl… I admire U very much … So just B yourself no matter what they say or do.. don’t let anyone let you down OK.. good night”

20 mars 2006 01:59 … I will never forget that .. ever :$

It just happened

As if I was waiting for that exact song to play on radio, though I never tried to listen before!
Strange, isn’t it? When all the un-expected Coincidences of life happen back to back?!

Couldn’t resist downloading then playing it again and again and again and again all night..

Windmills of MY mind...

I had talk to blubber again, but as I sat on my PC, I found me changing the music to this song by "Jose Feliciano".. Somehow I feel, I have these windmills in my mind at the moment.. and yet, i have no clue.. .. wish YOU enjoy the music, the words and the enchanting voice of Feliciano..

round
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Final Notice,

Enough torture for the moment, I can’t handle any more.. I will not return back lasto.. at least not for the moment.

Determined to do so

Nerro deleted her Blog, Moon is thinking.. and guess I am heading Bluelue as well..
Salam

I said "I won't give up"
I will work, though I don't know if I am taking the right or the wrong way.. and the signs seems lost.. but I will..
All what I remember right now is when my mother told me "I didn't give birth to a withdrawer.. my girl should live a fighter till her last breath"
And so mother.. I WILL.. And proud to keep my citizinship in the free dream lands republic..

see you after a break..

..

Today's theme

Now, I hate this blog like never, when I have the chance yet forced to be left as a silent spectator…

كلام مالوش لزمة

النهاردة انا كافرة بكل المبادئ اللى تخلى الواحد يحط نفسه فى برواز تضحية عشان يأكل جاره ونفسه بتموت من الجوع

وكافرة بالأفكار اللى تخلى الواحد يتلخبط وبدل ما يقول "فين أنا"، يقول "مين أنا وليه أكون"...

Today's theme

I had to delete this entry, when I found myself going on selfish..

Sorry for that

"do what you think is best"

Today's theme

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

UN-titled

If I said today was the worst day in my life, I might be belittling my feelings.. for today was may be the most emotional devastating day from all perspectives to me.. although it should have been the happiest..
We finally finished the conference events today, and can’t hide how superb it was.. starting from the crew –who nearly all of them became my friends- till the organizing, the workshops, the decorations.. everything thing was really wonderful.. but I had to cry yesterday night, since 9 pm till 4 am continuously.. till I had a horrible headache.. I was feeling as if someone is taking parts of me alive… I was so hurt deep down.. feeling pain.. real pain..

Moonlight may be the best person who understands my case… she along with Nan, Bavalova, Sheryos and AZ were doing excellent help trying to get me out of the mood.. but I just couldn’t .. “nefsi kant sa3bana 3alya awi awi” …

I never cried that much ever since 2nd sec. when I lost my best friends in a car accident. Since then I stopped crying.. I just hide everything inside me, and pile one over the other, and only yesterday everything evolved.. as if a volcano I never thought I could have…..
My mother was trying to hush my hysterical attitude.. bas I acted vulnerable towards her and other dear friends.. I was like a monster never seen before… “baaaaaaas ba2aaaaaa, kefaaaaayaaaaaaaaaa…. El darb fl mayt 7araaaaaaaam”.. that was enough…
One more “NO” I might hear and I might .. I don’t know… if I could ever leave.. if I could run away….
I know, one day, with all the echoes of those negative thoughts I have.. its either I’ll do it for real.. or.. turn mad.. and I am not exaggerating.. but its true..

Today I wake up with the same headache, yet with my mother’s comforting voice telling me to get dressed and go… but my eyes looked horrific! I had to stay alittle bit more in home till it might get better…
And then I went to collage.

The day was fun.. ppl were cool… but I was feeling extra horrible.. laughing without any taste of my laughter.. smiling without any eagerness to smile..
I wanted to stay there.. I love those people very much.. but felt like I am doing a boring job I can’t handle any more….. so I went out of a session keda, and met Tee at the stair case “were r u going?” .. “mm.. somewhere,, I want to walk”.. but he kept insisting and I denying.. “no I am ok, don’t worry”..
Along the way I met Dina and Nadine, they asked the same Q and said U seem absolutely down… at this point, I couldn’t hold myself any more.. so I said “I just want to walk.. PLEASE” … and started crying in the middle of the street… all the way.. I was crying out and loud… and for the 1st time in my entire life I was crying in public!! No need to mention how the ppl were gazing at me..
After around 20 mins I returned to the OC place, where I saw Bavalova, and so she asked “where have u been?” .. I was about to talk when I started crying again… but this time between the folk! .. I can’t imagine how I did all this…
So she took me to the bathroom, where I continued non stop… and due her magical way, I was able to laugh again….
Washed my face and went out .. peep.. its lunch time people..

Looking at the watch, and calculating, only 2 hours left, I have to make out the best of it… only when I acted strangely.. talking to any person I meet… I laugh loudly gedan.. and photo anyone walking… just anything and everything…. Going hyper like I never used to………………. I didn’t know myself then… but I was still feeling pain increasing awi..

I went through all the workshops with Noha, trying to catch the last few minutes before we leave.. people looked even more marvelous to be true, though almost all of them weren’t free to share the moment with both of us.. and some even.. ok.. it hurted as well.. or may be I was turning to be more sensitive lately.. I don’t know.. but I do feel bad very easily nowadays..

Fading slowly.. heading towards the stair case… we’ll finally say “bye bye” everyone… we’r not coming to the closing people… with some exclamation marks from here and there, I preferred to keep silent.. “ok I am not going”.. “why, all the people are coming” .. “but I am not the all people” *full stop*
Yeah I acted rude.. yeah I looked ridiculous… yeah I was about to cry again and scream as well.. but I hold myself…

At the gate we had our last laughter with ye7ya and nayer… was somehow cool.. when I saw the busses coming.. I took noha and left immediately.. I couldn’t handle seeing the people taking the bus and going out together while I am standing still waiting for my bus back home..

I took the 1st bus I knew might reach me some where near home.. and there I burst into tears again…. This time crying in the bus…. Amongst I don’t know how many people.. when suddenly i had my wildest thoughts invading all throug.. i was actually wishing to have an accident or something.. may be then *he* might feel someone is existing.. which i highly doubt..

Its never about the outing.. actually I am used to not going to outings with friends.. not just the ACESians.. but my school mates, my collage mates and even my relatives… but was never about outings… but the repetitive “NO” without any proper reason… NO for the sake of opposition.. for the sake of confirming “I am this house’s leader, I have the upper hand” .. but sadly I all lost passion for this so-called upper hand…

Long time ago, I thought I am an introvert.. I hated myself and hated being in crowds with people.. I started to tailor such image about myself.. and imagined every single detail about me being a loner.. not having friends.. not liking except to read… not willing to interact with the other… until, aces taught me that “I AM NOT”… “I AM A NORMAL PERSON..” .. I AM REAL NORMAL ORDINARY PERSON….. I talk, I laugh.. I like going out.. I like interacting.. I like to have friends around.. I like to have a group in collage.. I like to go trips with people.. I love to love and know that I am LOVED as well…… I JUST want to live a proper life…

I was crying, not because I wasn’t going out with people, but because one thing… I am 21 right now, but still, do not have the right to practice MY LIFE..

حبة شخبطة

طول عمرى وانا بينى وبين الألوان عداوة.. و لما كنت ارسم، كنت ارسم بقلم رصاص وساعات اقلام فحم ورثتها عن جدى لوالدتى –الله يرحمه-.. وقتها كانت الدنيا عندى.. ياكويس ياوحش.. ياتحبه يا تكره.. لحد لما عرفت ( تسييح ) الألوان، وطلع لى الرمادى يتسلل من بين مسافة الابيض والاسود.. فبدأت أشوف ناس بحبهم، لكن فيهم جزء بكرهه.. شئ فيهم كويس.. لكن اشياء اكتر متعبة..
ماقدرش اقول عليها اول صدماتى.. لكنها كانت فى حد ذاتها نوع تانى من الصدمات... لما تحب حد قوى، وتعلقه فى مكان عالى قوى.. وفجأة تلاقى بروازه اتكسر، وقع من فوق رفه العالى وضاعت معاه كل مشاعر الاحترام والحب والتقدير..

لفت ايامى ودارت عليا وحوليا، وقابلت الأزرق فى طريقى بالصدفة.. ساعتها كان اول دخيل فى حياتى الملونة، وافتكرت انى ح شوف دنيا جديدة.. غريبة ومثيرة.. ح طلع من الابيض والاسود على مغامرات الف ليلة وليلة، حكايات شهرزاد، وحواديت الشاطر حسن. كان جوايا الف رغبة ورغبة انى امسك فرشتى وألون اركانى الأربعة.. وكان عندى امل اشوف لون الماية الصافية.. وقوس قزح وقت المطر.. كنت بحلم بيوم اطلع من عتمة الاسود، والمس نور الصباح.. ألون شمسى وقت الشروق وارسم معاها عصافيرى مزقططة.. اشجار بتعزف لحن بنايى السحرى.. وزهر تحت ضو القمر..

وعرفت –بعده- باقى الألوان فى لمح البصر.. الاحمر والاصفر.. الاخضر والبنفسجى.. البنى والبمبى والبرتقالى واللبنى.. الوان كتير.. كتير قوى.. أكتر من مساحة ( البالتة ) بتاعتى الصغيرة.. واقول "ح لون الركن دا احمر"... لكن ارجع وأسال نفسى، وأختار معاه ايه من باقى الألوان! .. من كترها بقيت متلخبطة.. وكل لوحاتى تطلع مشخبطة بناس بوشوش ملونة.. من بعيد تشوفه فروزى صافى فى لون نبع دافى... تقرب تلاقى جواه صخور سودا، وحجارة عفى عليها الزمن... وممكن تلاقى واحد ترتاح له من غير سبب.. وتكتشف فى الآخر انه رسم ( ماسك ) فوق وش برتوش لظل انسان.. وناس تانية تلاقىعلى وشوشهم بؤس الحياة المزرية.. وفى قلوبهم تكتشف طهر الندى..

وقفت ساكتة، وفى ايدى فرشتى تنده.. "يلا ابتدى.."
اتأمل حبة لوحتى المشخبطة.. وأشوف الوان كتير... اكتر من مساحة ( البالتة ) بتاعتى الصغير.. وأتمنى من كل قلبى الدنيا ترجعلى تانى، بس الأبيض والاسود.. ومساحة فاضة اتخيل فيها لون الماية الصافية.. وقوس قزح وقت المطر...

سلاماتى

feeling liking it today :) .. *Enjoy*

Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl;
You'll never come again.

Feelings, feelings
Like I've never lost you
And feelings like I've never
Have you again in my heart.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.


Feelings...

A day to remember

If I ever said I had the most wonder day of my life, then I’ll be lying. I was highly tension at the start plus I did as horrible in my mid term exam as I had never did before. For the 1st time I’ll have “Big Zero” in an exam.. but all evaporated as soon as I saw those faces around…
Publications team ( Nayer, noha, ye7ya, abdallah)… Bavalovti –definatly- .. Sheryos (my team mate fi kol 7aga 7ata el ushering :@ )… Tee el IT.. Naila.. Men3im… whom.. whom… Mohie.. Khaled… all my dof3a.. 3alaa.. maha.. Abd el rahman and Dina.. Adham and Khaldoooon .. Mai (I got to know her only today!)… Noha Ez (as elegant as always) .. my o my! I can t remember the 70 names right now!!!!!!!!

I was happy ya gama3a gedan…… thanks for making it right in front of my parents. They loved the day true..

Whom… Hobbaaaaz… Adiiii… Hend….
Thanks MoonlightShadow for coming…

Just I want to go some where far away from here…. The desert may be.. or beside the Nile or any sea and shout out loud…

“I love being with YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU… and the faces I won’t forget”

Blubbering out

Sometimes I think who to choose, someone who cares for you too much but you care for a little; or someone who cares a little but you care for too much?!
What a misery, sometimes I feel..

The day before today was super cool *the assessment center*, I made neat new friends from collage.. *actually I am making new friends these days like I never did before :S .. masha2 ALLAH* . Today as well was nice. I dropped a lecture to watch the conference’s audition, and though I didn’t catch it still *they were very late*, but I enjoyed my time having some good laughs with wonderful people. A pity they’ll graduate next year, may God bless them. :)

I was OK, most of the time, though visited by the above thought from time to time so I’d be absent minded sailing to far far away land. Could be the never land, and could be the place I’ve made to resort whenever I feel I want to leave the crowds.

However, nice time always flies, except for 3 things that really made me feel un-comfortable. I need to feel more confident. I need to believe I can make it myself, I am good –if not best-.. umm, why do I feel I’D never be the one!

It was a horrible feeling that I might lose something I posses because I am lower than someone else, while actually I know I am not, at least in other points!
Do I make any sense?!
Suddenly the lights went dim!
My feeling of possession! One big black dot I have.. and though I do not show, but I know deep down how hurted I feel when someone shares something so.. SO dear to my heart.. even if it’s a smile I reckon its mine.. even if it’s a laugh I know I was addressed with… even if, even if it was a hello I was waiting for day long :) ..

As if my misery is between 2 options, what I want and what I can get.. what I like and what I might like.. and the quest goes so on, so forth..

The 2^nd thing was when this stupid person started to make fun of me. Actually he wasn’t making fun of me, but was trying to be funny in a stupid way that pissed me off! None the less, the 3^rd thing was when I remembered.. “ah well, I got my mid-term exam tomorrow so I’d better leave the place and runnnn to continue my studies”
*no need to mention, I have to run now as well :S *

Tomorrow is the opening of the conference AT LAST! And all the memories I had through out the previous 7 month or so suddenly flashing in front of my eyes. Our 1^st meeting, our training days, mecca center, alaa’s laptop, photoshop, GMs, days in collage, the booth, the welcome, the flyers and banners, the poster I took from the college’s walls, the dropped lectures, the night chit chats, the life time friends I had, the new comers into my life, and the ones I strengthened my relation with though we’ve been there for some time..

As if, after all those months of work, we can finally lay down to sleep. We can finally have peace within. No need for the rush to get some signs from this or that. No need for waking up till very late doing an un-finished task. No need for fights and No need for broken hearts.

Saying “bye bye” to ACES 2006 .. with some tears covering joy, excitement and anxiety for the 3 coming days.
So hard to have someone dear going to leave, but much harder to see him leaving already …

Sometimes I re-think about my thought.. Sometimes I thank God, I have options to choose between still, although others got nothing to have.

Thank U Bibo for the song :)

An Innocent man -- Billy Joel
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie
I know you’re only protecting yourself
I know you’re thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I’m not above
Making up for the love
You’ve been denying you could ever feel
I’m not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it’s easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’ve not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand
Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began
Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

Feeling extremely low..

After yesterday’s talk with Bibo, I felt how ugly and un-fair life might be. I needed a 5 minuets confrontation with myself to discover I am fooling myself intentionally, then runny away in the same sequence waiting for the same fairy tale!

I never learn, and guess I won’t!!

Yeah! The dream looks so beautiful from far away.. and even more beautiful from inside.. feeling extremely happy, may be walking on clouds, and may be wandering in a place never existed yet… knowing that someone out there…. mm

but then you’ll have to wake up as soon as you log off, because simply it was only a vision of a fake wish you prayed for, from all of your heart to be true,, but sadly it wasn’t and it will not..

So you end up stuck between what you wish for and what you have! Torn between what you want and what you should do!

Do I make sense..? does anyone listen..? does anyone understand?.. I wish not..

For eventually I know I’ll leave this to welcome my very own self again between the very same empty corners of my empty room. Having the same deadly thoughts spinning in my head. Hurting my heart sometimes, and cracking my soul the other times.. yet, the clock won’t stop ticking.. and the circle would never end..

May we have peace sometime.. may we reach where we wish..

Today's wisdom

Dedicated especially to some friends, I owe them alot :)

WAIT just a favor..

Please take a moment to fill me THIS :)

يمكن.. تتغير

عن يمينى يقف من يحمل حقية كبيرة تسد الطرقة الضيقة فلا ارى غير جزء هين من ظهره فى تجاهى؛ وعن شمالى رجل ضخم الجثة يغط فى نوم عميق؛ وأنا ( محشورة ) بينهما. اخرجت كتاباً صغيراً "الباذنجانة الزرقاء" (*) وعبثا حاولت أقرأ. ارى لوحات تتحرك مسرعة من خلف النوافذ الزجاجة، وجارى يتمايل مع رجرجات الحافلة بانتظام.. فاحاول التشبث بمقعدى اكثر فأكثر..

" لازم تبدئى تنفتحى.. انطلقى للخلق.. يعرفوكى وتعرفيهم.."

كان يوما عجيبا بعض الشئ.. حاولت جاهدة ان اظهر فى مظهر جدى.. ولكن ابتسامتى علت وجهى طوال الوقت، ثم انفجرت فى نوبة ضحكات تورم لها ثغرى وأنا ( أعافر ) لرسم ( وش خشب ) على ملامحى.
"سأتغير".. قلتها ببساطة ولم أكن أعى معناها. "سأتغير".. قلتها ثم بدأت فى فك طلاسم المعادلة. كى اصبح ما اريد ان اكون عليه، عليا اولا االتنازل ثم التأقلم مع الــ "أنا" الجديدة. سأراها يوما ما وقد نسيت من كانت سابقا. سأنظر يوما فى المرآه ولا أعرف من تكون، أهى "أنا" حقيقة، جسدا.. روحا وعقيدة.. أم أنها "انا" ملحقة لظلى، أقولها فلا اعرف عمن اشير؟

"لازم تتغيرى لو نفسك تشتغلى شغلتنا.. دققى ودورى عشان تتعلمى"

لكنى أحب الــ "أنا" الحالية هكذا.. حتى فى أقسى درجات عنادى لها.. ما عنادى الا دليلا على رغبتى فى العلو بمكانها فى قلبى.. ليس الا..
احب خجلها المرسوم على وجهها كلما رأت من لا تعرفه.. سكناتها ولفتاتها البريئة غير عابئة بهمسات الآخرين.. أحب جموح فكرها الموحش فى مجاهل غير محدد الهوية.. أعجب بقلبها، *كميدان التحرير* يساع العالم بأسره.. واكثر ما احب فيها طموحها ورغبتها الحقيقة فى ان تعاند ظروفها وتتغير!

أقف وأستعد للنزول من الحافلة واذا بذاك الذى كان عن يمينى يسرع بالهجوم كى يلحق بمقعدى فيوقظ النائم عن شمالى.. ألتفت لحظة ثم اظهر ابتسامة باهتة... منذ لحظات قليلة كنت أجلس على ذلك المقعد وعن يمينى ذلك الرجل بحقيبته الكبيرة، فلا أرى غير جزء هين من ظهره فى تجاهى، وعن شمالى كان جارى يغط فى نوم عميق وهو يتمايل مع رجرجات الحافلة.. و اللوحات خارج النوافذ الزجاجية تتحرك مسرعة.. لكنى الآن واقفة، وسأهم بخطوات معدودة للنزول عما قليل.. سأمشى فى الشارع الضيق تجاه منزلى الكائن فى آخره، وسأتوه بين الأجساد المتلاحمة، وصريخ العربات الشاردة.. سيتغير زمانى والمكان... ولربما عدت فنظرت مرة ثانية للحافلة وهى تختفى على أفق نظرى وأنا أتمتم فى قرف "مجنون ذلك العالم، اراد أم لم يرد، دوام حاله من المحال... و "أنا" كذلك.. ستتغير"

سلاماتى

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(*) رواية لميرال الطحاوى